Every week, The Standard posts a message from our readers on a relationship Dilemma.
On Wednesday, January 25, The Standard received and shared on the official Facebook page a relationship dilemma from one of its readers.
We sample some of the advice shared by Kenyans, and also an expert’s opinion on how the reader can come out of the confusing situation.
Every Wednesday mid-morning, The Standard will be publishing on its verified Facebook page (Standard Digital) a relationship dilemma sent to us via our Facebook inbox.
If in need of relationship advice – from an expert, or are seeking to get Kenyans’ opinions on a certain confusing relationship situation – send us a message via Facebook, with the title ‘Relationship Advice’, and we will escalate the message to the appropriate respondents. We guarantee you dignity by hiding details that could lead to your identity being known or exposed.
Hello, ‘The Standard’,
My name is Nancy. I am 36 years old, living and working in Nairobi.
I’m a mother of three children. I separated from my children’s father in 2020. He was a serial cheater and repeatedly told me how I had lost the ability to attract other men because of the number of children I have, and that my youth allure had faded.
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In 2021, I met a man who made me regain my self-esteem. He told me how beautiful I was, and reassured me of his commitment to me. Of late, many men have been asking me out, saying I’m glowing.
I appreciate my new boyfriend, who takes good care of me emotionally, physically, and financially. He even told me he wants to marry me and adopt my children.
I recently bumped into my children’s father at a mall near my workplace. He said he was sorry for subjecting me to emotional trauma, and wants me back.
The truth is I still love him, and I strongly feel he was and is the man for me. However, I fear heartbreaking my boyfriend, who has shown a lot of commitment towards me.
Should I follow my heart’s desire, or stick to my current partner? I’m confused.
KENYANS’ SAMPLED ADVICE:
Washington Oloo: Just look for a third boyfriend [wakue watatu] so that you also have multiple men coz it's like you don't know what you want in life
Victor Mc Otieno: Everyone is dealing with their own issues. You can do the same. You can give up if you want. We are tired.
Duncan Mariaria: The bond of a woman and a man is the children, and love follows, follow what you think is right but remember you can as well be offended by the second man, better the devil you know than an angel you don't know.
Velma Kadiori: By the way, why did your ex want you to have the ability to attract other men? Sounds weird
Daniel Kennedy: Follow your heart, go back to the father of your kids, that heart wasn't broken well...let him go finish it and shatter it into pieces because that's your heart's desire.
Ong’eta Ondieki: If you can't manage to go back to your husband stay single and let your boyfriend take care of you in the singular mode else you be broken double. Good luck.
Owen Ngethe: The simp man who wants to heal a heart he did not break and raise kids he did not sire is about to enter into a triangle of DEATH! he will soon learn his lessons. A married woman is a no-go zone.
Amon Dee: He wants to come back into your life to see whether you are still stupid. Some Decisions in this Life you have to Use your Brain. The Heart is very weak and Love is but an illusion. It is very rare.
Faith Paul: You feel the new man loves you because you are new to him, wait until he gets used to you, the first insult will be that you left your husband for me, so you will do the same for me too. I bet that will break your heart even more. So if your husband has realised his mistakes and wants you back, please go back to him before you get a second heartbreak. If it fails again, there's always a new man to rescue you and show you some love. You might lose the father to your kids forever. You could also go back and enjoy life with him in a way you have never imagined.
Wambui Njoroge: Confused! I don't see any confusion here. Marry your current partner. He is the one who accepted you in your miserable state and loved you at your worst.
Dr. Karatu Kiemo is a sociologist and lecturer at the University of Nairobi.
Hello Nancy and happy new year!
To some people, the new year presents an opportunity to make resolutions. Today you have an opportunity to choose between taking back in marriage an emotional abuser who you love or pursuing marriage with a new man that has treated you well you. As it is, there is no advice to give you because love-related decisions are not rationally made. You are likely to do the opposite and indeed no one knows whether the devil you know is better than the angel you don't.
The reality, though, is that you are in a love triangle which in today's Kenya is a source of many media-reported cases of extreme violence. That is why it is better for to make whatever decision and live by its consequences. As you ponder about the consequences, think about the three children you have: where are they likely to be safer and their welfare catered for? Sometimes we make sacrifices for our loved ones.
Nancy, you separated in 2020 and within one year you were open to new relationships. Whereas love at first sight and marriage after a very short dating period can still produce healthy marriages, it pays to take time after separation before committing to another relationship. You need to heal and more importantly plan for the three children.
Certainly, companionship is good, but living alone is also not always problematic, especially for a lady with three children. If you can, take a bit of time to reflect. And as you do that, keep yourself busy with some self-improvement activities. Try gyming, enroll in a music school, or further your education. You will still find fine men to choose a partner from.