Four years ago as I left Mater Hospital with my new baby, my second child, I was a worried woman. Yes I was ecstatic about being a mother to this healthy beautiful child who was all mine but I wondered if I was enough for her. If I could manage to keep her alive, feed her, know when she was sick etc. It was my second rodeo but the first time around; my mother was with me all the way. She would hold and even sleep with the baby as I rested, prepare nutritious meals for me and cater to me and the baby all day long. But this second time around, It was just me and my husband. I was supposed to figure out every little thing and somehow keep the baby alive. I didn’t think I had the capacity for it. And I had a hard time adjusting to it.
I remember feeling surly all the time. Walking around feeling like a shell of my former self. I was unhappy and experiencing a mild form of postpartum depression. I resented that my husband looked happy and well-adjusted to fatherhood. That he wasn’t infecting me with his happiness. To add to that, I felt insecure about my new body.
My awakening came one evening when reading my older child a bedtime story. I have always loved reading, and books had always been my escape since I was a little girl. And as my daughter dozed off, I tried to remember the last time I had read a novel. A good story always took me to a magical place, and nothing excited my senses more . And so I slid out of the bed and a short taxi ride later, I was in the supermarket buying a couple of Jackie Collins books. That night I stayed up reading, only to catch some winks in the early hours of the morning. When I woke up, I dressed up nice and did my hair, something I hadn’t done in a while, and for the first time in a long time, I felt whole. The snapping at my poor spouse ended and the smile was back. Just like that.
Why this long story? Well, because I learnt the greatest lesson of my life. That you have to find your own happiness. That you can be everything for everyone but you can’t forget yourself. That no one else is responsible for your happiness. That your spouse could bend over backwards for you but if there is a storm raging inside you, nothing could quell it. Find what makes you happy, and do it. Or at least don’t forget the little things that give you absolute joy and make your heart sing. And if the dark cloud is threatening to overwhelm you, please seek professional help.
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