The Kenyan politician is beyond redemption

When Jesus comes to judge Kenya, he will find at the front of the queue those who cast out demons and healed in his name. They will parade their mega crusades and how many people rolled on the floor when they lifted their voices.

Next to them will be the many politicians who do not want to be hustlers in heaven. They will say how every Sunday they donated millions of shillings to churches and how many structures have been built in their name and in the name of God. They will showcase the beauty of stones and the efficacy of their giving to causes that gave them mileage on Jesus’ golden streets.

Jesus will remind them that whatever they did, they did to be seen and praised by men, for votes and for popularity. He will remind them that for them, there remains no prize, for they received their reward in full. For indeed at the present time, they live in heaven while sending us all to hell and making our lives a living hell.

They will respond to Jesus that they too have suffered. They will say how they had gout and obesity. They will tell him how hard it is to find five star accommodation on the meagre per diem they receive.

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Cut ribbons

While at it they will also say how hard it was to sleep at night when the DCI and DPP were investigating the sources of their wealth.

They will tell the Lord how hard it is for them to live in a country where you only get four security guards when you feel you need more than a dozen to keep your various stolen properties safe. In fact, they will remind Jesus how hard it was for them to give money every week to problems they should have solved anyway.

Oh, how they will wail and beat their chests and tell Jesus that it was so hard to sit in meetings and not take notes; to benchmark and never implement, to plan and never execute and to talk and never do.

Does Jesus understand how tedious it is to tender, how much pre-qualification and certification is needed before you supply air or towels and then defend the purchase of the same? Does he know how hard it is to steal from people and then convince your gullible community to defend you?

They will implore Jesus to understand that it is very hard to buy a chopper to launch various projects around the country and in the name of development to cut ribbons at the beginning of the project, three times in the middle of the same project and at the end of the same. Never mind the Solomonic wisdom to triple the price of the project using voodoo accounting.

Jesus will also be asked to overlook the cries of the poor behind them because after all, as he can clearly see, none of them are dead. Because the job of leadership is to keep them barely alive. If they can eat once a week isn’t that good enough? After all why should they suffer like their leaders of lifestyle diseases? No one should wish obesity on the poor or even worse, jet lag.

Jesus will be told that the poor remain poor for they are lazy. Unwilling to move to the big city and beg for a living, and if in the big city, then they brought their laziness with them and remained poor.

Never mind that the poor walk to work in the city and walk to survive in the village. Never mind that their kids are denied education because they have no uniform. Never mind that the village school was never built because the money for the school was given to a church to build a fence.

The poor

When Jesus will ask about their wealth, he will be told that disclosure is difficult because of attorney-client privilege and something about the Cayman Islands’ laws. They will also state that it is very hard work to promise the people so much and deliver so little. It is very hard to underwhelm, and if the underwhelmed die, they should have had the wherewithal to join politics and win as well.

They will tell Jesus that their generosity was expansive, every five years they went to the wilderness and met Kenyans who think Kenya is a city far, far away.

In this wilderness, they distributed chang’aa and hired youth to sing songs of praise all day long; but in the day of hunger they disappeared into air conditioned hotel rooms and asked the poor to do post mortems to determine if they really died of hunger.

They will tell of how they built beautiful five star hotels with money for the needy, and how no one should give to the poor because they already gave and whoever is claiming they didn’t is an enemy of state.

Jesus will be told to understand that the poor were always meant to survive on one meal a day, anything more is over reliance on a state that is too busy stealing and driving around in long expensive motorcades.

As Jesus rises to judge he will be reminded that the constitution does not recognise him, and he should confine himself to judge pickpockets and thieves and if he persists he will be reminded that he has become part of a witch hunt to stop the chosen one who is meant to rule for ten more years. After all Jesus, didn’t you get the tithe he sent?

Mr Bichachi is a communication consultant. [email protected]

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