It is not your fault that your ex is dating your sister

I am deeply disappointed by my boyfriend who I have known for some time now. We had dated for a while but broke up at some point over a few differences.

After some time, I found out he was actually dating my sister. When I asked him about it, he said it was none of my business so I decided to keep off.

I am really hurt by this and I know I still love him but don’t know what to do about it. He even told me to go get another boyfriend as he no longer loves me. Please advise me.

{Pauline}

 WHAT THE READERS SAY:

Pauline, the writings are clear on the wall and what remains is for you to decide. Life is a matter of choices and you don’t seem to realise it! This man has stated clearly that it is your sister he is dating and not you. The fact, however, remains. Accept and move on before you get a heart attack. Get another man and have your desires fulfilled.

{Ouma Ragumo – Sifuyo}

I wonder why you are wasting your time and emotional energy on something beyond you! The man is gone and he is not making it a secret. That he has taken your sister should tell you of the little regard and respect he had for you. Even if you forced yourself on him, you will be courting your death - from depression.

Allow yourself the freedom of seeing the beauty in your environment and you will learn of the fragrance around you. Look around and you will find men who will love and appreciate you for who you are and who won’t forget to treat you with respect.

{Tasma Saka}

 Does your sister know that this guy was once your lover? If she does not know this, make it clear to her. This man is a love pest. He probably has many other lovers and he will dump your sister as soon as he is done with her. Warn your sister in advance.

Talk to her in front of this man and tell them the truth. Otherwise, you may be digging your sister’s grave for letting her fall for same trick. Be your sister’s keeper and protect her from this monster.

{Onyango Outha}

SIMON SAYS:

Pauline, what is happening to you is just unfortunate. For a person to break up with a lover and then they move on to date a sibling of the very lover is not just unfair, it is inhumane and probably an indication of psychological distress. This is disturbing.

You can’t wish your sister away and therefore you are reminded of it daily. This is making the breakup more difficult to deal with but, like with any other breakup, remember that you can go through this and emerge stronger than ever before.

This is a two-way issue involving your ex-boyfriend and your sister. They are at fault but, looking at this carefully, your sister bears more responsibility for this than your ex. Why would she fall into the arms of a man who just broke up with her sister?

How does she even live with herself knowing how much pain he caused you? And because it is only a matter of time before he breaks up with her, how will she live with this? I presume, from your e-mail, that you are quite young and this is an issue that ought to be carefully addressed to avoid a recurrence in future. If you don’t confront your sister now, disagreements will become a regular thing.

The last thing you need in this life is to always fight with your sister. This requires intervention. You may want to identify a trusted aunt who can talk to her and bring her back to her senses and to both of you thereafter.

About that guy, run Pauline, run. What if he has a weird fetish of dating sisters? Or all the women in a family? Could he be getting some sort of satisfaction or gratification from dating you both?

He may also be doing this just to hurt you. Quite frankly, this is not the kind of guy you want to keep around. Leave now and move on. If your sister does not heed the advice she gets, let her deal with him on her own.

Simon is a relationships counsellor

BOKE SAYS:

Dear Pauline,

One can only imagine the kind of pain you are going through right now. Betrayal from someone you love is not an easy thing to bear, particularly if it involves a close family member such as a sister. 

Are you surprised at the callous response he gave you after you confronted him? Do not be, because that is his true self. He is insensitive and has a bloated ego.

He has no regard neither for you nor your love for him. Your love for him is not unconditional. You have every right to be treated right in a relationship. What he has done is an open display of who he truly is and what he feels for you. Not many people get to know the true nature of their partners before it is too late. You are lucky.

Stop and think for a moment how long you would put up with that. This is a painful reality but I encourage you to face it in a sober way. This man is not worth your time. Talk less of your feelings and be glad you have known this early enough.

He is dismissing you to go find someone else and this feels like he is mocking you. Rejoice. You will find someone else who will value you. I guarantee you that unless he changes his character, he is unlikely to be in any meaningful relationship.

As for your sister, we do not know why she fell for him. It could be that she was jealous of you, evidence of serious sibling rivalry. Whatever the reason, they have started on the wrong footing and the future of this relationship is bleak. Your sister will soon realise the true nature of this man.

You deserve better than this. The feelings and emotions will soon go and reasoning will settle in. There is nothing wrong with you. Hold your head high.

Hilda Boke Mahare has a background in Counselling Psychology

 NEXT WEEK’S QUESTION:

I met a woman on social media six months ago. She gave me her phone number and we have been communicating since then.

Her profile pictures show that she is beautiful. I would like her to be my wife and the mother of my children. She says she really loves me and that she is ready to be my lover. The problem is that she lives in Sirare (near the border of Kenya and Tanzania) and I am Nairobi.

We have never met and whenever I ask her to visit me, she asks me to send her bus fare. I am not sure about this. I want to meet her but I am afraid it may not work out. Please advise me.

{Jeff}