Why rumours of Comrade Bob's speech mix-up cannot be true

Many people are miffed by the alleged speech mix-up, in which Comrade Bob Mugabe, the life President of the Republic of Zimbabwe, regurgitated a speech he had read last month.

The simple truth, just as the opposition have rushed to confirm, is that this is a cheap ploy to insinuate that Comrade Bob, 91, has failing faculties, and so cannot effectively discharge his duties as President.

We are familiar with such tricks instigated by the local stooges of foreign masters, whose singular intent is to besmirch democratically-elected African leaders, of whom Comrade Bob is the shining example.

For the avoidance of doubt, Comrade Bob’s detractors should be reminded that our Comrade is not the chairman of the African Union for nothing.

He epitomises the very best that this continent has produced.

In any case, how many nonagenarians are able to manage their affairs independently, or reflect the sort of agility that Comrade Bob illustrated when someone tripped him the other day, yet swung back on his feet with the swiftness of a nine-year-old?

Which calls to mind the aftermath of that fall – never mind the online teasers that photo-shopped our great leader in very unflattering poses, including one with Kim Kardashian in a state of undress – Comrade Bob’s security detail was reprimanded for not preventing his fall by anticipating it ahead of time.

Which is to say no right-thinking folks at his office would have allowed the sort of mix-up some claim took place this week if they loved their jobs enough.

Put another way, it would be high treason for such a mix-up to occur, so the rumour should be treated with the contempt that it deserves.

And please join me in singing: Long live Comrade Bob, long live Africa! After all, those attacking Comrade Bob are, by extension, attacking our continent, and must be resisted.