TiTimbuktu Express: Welcome back Baba, you have no idea how much Kenya missed you

You have no idea how badly we missed you, Baba. I voted for you and will do so again. Just make sure you are the presidential candidate and not a bullfighter from Ikolomani.

Since you went away, the man has hijacked the voice of the opposition. He dispensed with the Amani coalition and is now the loudest CORD brand ambassador.

Just the other day, Sir, while you were away, he pulled the President of the Republic of Kenya down to his level and almost beat the man with experience.

Were it not for the fact that Ole Jomo has been studying heckling from the likes of the Duale, things would have turned very ugly indeed.

We want you to be the man to lead the ‘... must go’ chorus, and not any senator who is trying to attract a willing-buyer-willing-seller sort of arrangement to shut his mouth up.

I know I was all alone in that booth when putting a big tick right beside your face and that of Ole Jomo. (I then crossed out the mugs of all the rest) 

Reminds me of Jesus when he warned “Not all those who call me Lord! Lord! will see the Kingdom of heaven. So beware of all those claiming to have voted for you. Some are just wolves in sheepskin. They have heard that you will come dressed as Santa Claus bearing gifts from Boston, and are looking for a chance to steal the goodies you brought for your orphans.

And it’s about time too, because rumours indicate that the country was auctioned off to the Chinese at an undisclosed amount. Who else to ensure we get our dividends if not you?

What they keep repeating is that they will be in power for 20 years every time they refer to ‘jamaa wa vitendawili. Probably to divert our attention from the furore and infighting within the ruling coalition. Just the other day, the photoshop duo were engaged in a gun battle at a club.

And since none of them appeared in court for disturbance to national peace,  they should not label your homecoming celebration a threat to national peace.

We know who are the threat to national peace and they should be locked up until all security threats are contained.
When you land at the airport, there will be a million-man march all the way from JKIA to the venue of the rally that we plan to hold.

While you were away, can you imagine they shot Makaburi and someone almost killed the Lord’s Apostle Maina Njenga.

We know you rehabilitated the former Mungiki leader just as you could have rehabilitated the late Makaburi and many Shabaab youth had they not come along with their guns blazing and spoilt everything for everybody.

We love you because you have a different, more personal style of doing things. That is why the former fake cop Waiganjo insisted on talking to you because he knows you are an honourable man.

As the State was taking advantage of your absence to pay Anglo Leasing ghosts, some sinister distiller was distributing a death drink by the name of Countryman. That was at a time Al Shabaab were lobbying grenades like baseballs around the city.

And what did they do? They only sacked a few subordinate functionaries to simulate ‘Kusema na kutenda’ as the rest of us were burying our beloved. Of course, Yusuf Ole Lenku, Top Cop Inspector General Daudi Kimaiyo and the fat cats at NACADA survived the axe just because you were not around to turn up the heat.

I appreciate the fact that your diary will be overflowing, but it is imperative that you talk sense into Nairobi Guvvy.

The man has been fraternising with Jubilee and it has landed him in hot soup. He has been Wamborad and requires your blessings to win back his seat for the Coalition For Reforms and Democracy.

Give the man a dose of your wide experience with MOU’S in this country as you extol the virtues of being 100 per cent loyal to the party to this man Evans.

Come set the country back onto the path of devolution as you lobby that the government honors contemporary heroines like Corporal Linda Usalama for her gifted fundamentals. The girl should be awarded the ‘Order of the Burning Spear or something’.

And as we ‘toa lock’ (beat the hangover) of the recently reinstated provincial administration structure, entertain the gathering at Uhuru park by telling  a kitendawili that will awaken some of us.