10 weird things about cheap city 'lodgings'

You must have found yourself in a situation where you have no choice but to hole up in a cheap motel, what we commonly call ‘lodging,’ probably because of those big ‘boarding and lodging’ signs. They are the last resort when an impromptu date shows up, when the craving strikes, or when the jalopy stalls in the middle of nowhere.

Though favoured by those out for a quick romp, long distance travellers and drivers, lodgings can be demeaning to right-thinking members of society. Here are 10 things about these cheap lodgings:

1. Toeni mashuka!

Stuck behind the door of these ‘accommodation available’ establishments are petty rules of tenancy that remind you that you are a potential thief. It is reminder that Kenyans have a habit of making away with towels, slippers, bedsheets and even those tiny Flamingo soaps.  One of the rules, perhaps the most enforced one, is the checking out time. At exactly, 8.30am, a sharp knock on the door will awaken you, just when the monster hangover is kicking in and some shrilly voice loudly command that, “Toeni mashuka!” giving coitus interruptus new impetus.

2. Pati pati nusu

Tired of the thieving ways of Kenyans, the ‘National Management of Lodgings’ must have met and decreed to have mismatched slippers.

So you always have red and blue or blue and yellow pata pata. As if this was not a deterrent enough, they decided to cut into half the slippers to make them as worthless as possible.

3. Rusty flush toilets

You cannot talk of cheap lodgings and clean, comfortable toilets in the same sentence, as that will be a contradiction. Reason? The water closet cistern will most likely be older than you by 10 years or more. It will be rusty and you will never know its original colour. The bottom of the toilet will be green. The flushing system is mostly a rusty wire that is full of tetanus.

4. Torn, dirty towel

Cheap lodgings have the ugliest towels, bought at the seediest flea market. They are torn, frayed and ugly. Only the most adventurous, or careless, will even dare to clean the bottom of their feet with the towels. Most people have confessed to using these towels to clean their post-coital mess,  not their bodies. Also, you risk picking an unpronouncable and incurable skin disease.

5. Cheap sex

The cheaper the lodging, the cheaper the ‘night nurses’ are likely to be in that hood. Whether in Mlolongo or the infamous Luthuli Avenue, sex costs as little as Sh100. The lodgings are only used for ‘short time’ which is anywhere from 10 to 30 minutes. Those familiar with these establishments say that you cannot squeeze in (pardon the pun) even a second.

6. Kilimanjaro room

Mountains and rivers are the most favoured room names in these lodgings. It is like you are back in your high school all over again. Sometimes, the rooms are named after the various brands of rice!

7. Non-lathering tiny soap

Ever tried to take a shower in a cheap lodging? Besides the slimy and grimy, greenish walls and dirty water, the soap is usually a small thing, the size of a headache tablet. If you are hairy, it will scarcely suffice. It will not be enough to wash your inner wear. And for men who like playing with their genitalia while on the move, too bad.

8. Oriental TV

The TV in the cheap room mostly likely has only one channel. Though some promise cable TV, you will always encounter an excuse like, “We forgot to pay. But we will pay tomorrow. Sorry.” That is the line they tell everyone. The TV’s brand is one you have never heard of and will have a name like ‘Auma’.

9. Ironical names

Most lodgings have biblical sounding names like Paradise or Glory, which is ironical given what goes on behind those closed doors.

10. The Gideon Bible

Do you remember the green-covered Gideon Bible? The idea was to supply them to motels, lodgings, hospitals, libraries and everywhere in between. And nothing screams killjoy like a Bible on the side of the bed when you’ve just undressed and ready for some hanky-panky. That’s hardly the best time to be reminded of your sins!