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Nairobi must be the most dishonest metropolis in Sub-Saharan Africa. Here, folks can probably sell their mothers for a bunch of coins. Here are some lies that you might have come across or fallen victim to:
1. Free Wi-Fi inside
Free Wi-Fi is still a pipe dream in Kenyan. Matatus are the most notorious and will display ‘Free internet/plasma inside’ stickers on a jalopy that reeks of sweat and is badly in need of fumigation.
2. ‘Wawili waukweli’
Believe you me, no matatu will ever be empty or full to capacity when you are boarding. Give it to these konkodis for excellent marketing gimmicks. They will call out to passengers to take the last two remaining seats inside, only to find six empty seats staring back at you. Worse still, the touts hire some jaza pengo dudes to masquerade as passengers.
3. ‘Hiyo ni size yako kabisa’
Never expect to get a negative comment about any clothing item you try on in those Tom Mboya Street, Kenyatta Avenue stalls or Muthurwa ‘boutiques.’ The more expensive the merchandise, the more flattering the compliments. They will squeeze you into an ill-fitting, baby-sized dress, stand back and marvel theatrically ‘waa! Usiache hiyo. Ni size yako kabisa!’
4. All cards accepted here
Nairobi establishments have put up notices saying they accept all kinds of plastic money. You will rarua nyam chom and chase it down with pricey drinks at an eatery, knowing that you have a debit card. On requesting to swipe your card, you will be met with a sheepish look from the cashier with that annoying line: ‘Pole, system iko down’
5. ‘Hii ni oriji bradha’
Buying original electrical and household items in the city is a real challenge. China town has officially taken over from the Kariobangi counterfeit gurus. You will never tell a genuine Samsung LED screen or set top box from a fake one until you get to the house and the IMEI code/signal potelezeas.
6. I Have read and agreed
The city with the second highest tweeters, after Naija, lies the most online. ‘I have read and agreed to all the terms and conditions.’ This is the biggest lie by Kenyans when signing up to online accounts or downloading files. ‘I confirm I am over 18,’ this is a favourite click by city kids navigating through porn sites.
7. Artiste making a major comeback
If one of those washed out Madiaba era artistes makes this announcement, run for the hills, together with your money. These musicians will talk of how they are rebranding and working to bring back the sexy yada yada, yawn. Don’t believe the hype.
8. I was kidnapped
Our modern-day kanjoras are on a self-kidnapping spree. This is how it goes; no ransom is asked, so none is paid. They almost always end up in hospitals, of course, they don’t die. This however is not meant to belittle genuine kidnap victims.
9. I am a socialite
If you went school, you know how money is earned the hard way. People divorce their blankets at 4am to work for unga, not to sit pretty in clubs and get paid ‘appearance fees.’ If you get paid to grace events and your name is not Paris Hilton, then you are just a glorified hustler.
10. Highly paying marketing jobs
Are you a form-four leaver? Do you have an original Kenyan ID? Can you speak fluent English and Kiswahili? An international consortium based in Nairobi is looking for young people for sales and marketing jobs. No experience needed! If you apply to such an advert, then don’t complain when you start hawking household goods for a commission!
