When sibling rivalry grows into nasty envy in adulthood

 It’s a pity that the relationship between some blood brothers and sisters can only be described as ‘rivalrous’ or ‘distant’ reminiscent of bibilical Cain and Abel Photo: Courtesy

There is a strange going case going on at the Court of Appeal. Esther Mburu and her sister Ann Muthee from Thika have sued their three brothers over a share of their deceased father’s property.

Rivalry between the five children is reported to be so intense that the two women have dragged Daniel Njenga, Moses Wainaina and Joseph Mwaniki to court over, among others, a 300-acre farm, a 100-acre quarry and several commercial buildings in Thika Town.

Fact that they have sued each other is sufficient proof of how nasty the rivalry among them is.

Interestingly, this is not the first time their wrangles have ended up in court. They were at it last year, and pleas by their kin to have them solve their differences amicably out of court have repeatedly fallen on deaf ears.

This is just an example of how strained relations among some siblings are. Crazy Monday nosed around and the revelations on antagonism among brothers and sisters are shocking.

It’s a pity that the relationship between some blood brothers and sisters can only be described as ‘rivalrous’ or ‘distant’ reminiscent of bibilical Cain and Abel. In other cases, odd as it may sound, siblings have their ties completely severed to the extent they don’t see eye to eye.

Take for instance the case of Alice Muchoki who told us she does not get along with her two sisters simply because she is younger and got married before them and seems to be doing better in life than them.

“We actually have very little in common. We hardly spend time together and when we do it’s very little and we treat each other with suspicion,” says Muchoki, adding that it all began when they were younger.

Parents’ role in escalating envy among siblings

Seemingly, a lot of sibling rivalry is unwittingly brought about by parents when children compete for their love and attention.

Muchoki, for instance, says their childhood was characterised with nasty sibling rivalry because their parents seemingly favoured her, partly because she is the last born and was smarter in class.

“Sometimes I find it childish. They carried the old childhood ‘conflicts’, which are not even conflicts per se but sisterly competitions, into our adult life,” she says of her sisters who, despite being in their thirties, haven’t been lucky enough to get married.

Muchoki says the never-dying childhood rivalry has grown into horrible envy, and has stopped them from seeing each other in different light, despite now being grownups.

A keen observation in most homes where sibling rivalry has been elevated to jealousy in adulthood reveal that some individuals always try to undermine the relationship by paying more attention to their spouses, friends or business associates instead.

Such is the case with James Akwabi, who says growing with his step-brothers was a horror of sorts.

His mother separated with his father when he was relatively young, prompting him to join his mother’s new family where life was hell.

The 34-year-old, who is very analytical and still vividly recalls all the ‘injustices’ his three step-brothers and father perpetrated upon him, rules out the possibility of ever finding common ground.

So acrimonious is his relationship with one of his step-brothers that, he says, if they bumped into each other at a dark alley, they would kill one another!

When women get married before their older sisters

In writing this piece, it was noted that rivalry and envy is even nastier and dramatic among sisters over the most trivial of things.

This is very common when a younger sister settles down before her older ones; when one gets married to a relatively rich man than the others; when one’s children seem to be doing better than the others’ in school or life and so on.

Today’s woman wants to pretend that she does not give a hoot about getting married. Yes, of course, we know the year is 2016, the century is the 21st and we are in modern Africa, so, yes, she doesn’t. The truth, however, is, being 30-something with no serious man on sight who wants to ‘put a ring on it’ throws many women in panic. Especially when their younger sisters or relatives are walking down the aisle every other weekend.

This is something that can make even the chair lady of the ‘Association of Miss Independents’ nervous and wet her pants in trepidation, the countless #TeamSingleForever, #SinglesSlayingHard and such like hashtags on her timelines notwithstanding.

At their younger sisters’ weddings, many women pretend to be happy for their juniors. But deep down, they are not just envious but nervous as hell. “Damn it! How dare she make me look bad by getting married when I don’t even have a boyfriend?” Some always silently curse.

With nowhere to hide their faces, tons of snide and snarky comments are directed at them from family. Some aunties look at them sympathetically. Others bitch about how such women cannot bag good responsible men, at least to save themselves the shame.

The boldest of them all can even majestically walk to such a woman and without battling an eye, poke her in the ribs and ask when they plan to settle down.

Society wants us to believe that we should get married in birth order, which is far from reality. From the days of Leah and Rachael in the holy book, this perception has led to a lot of conflict and hatred among sisters. Others, especially elder sisters take it too personal when a younger sister beats them to the altar.

Woman who ruined younger sister‘s wedding gown

This may sound funny or even silly, but until you hear the story of a woman who pushed sibling rivalry to another level when she ruined her younger sister’s wedding gown with a pair of scissors, just because she was going to get married before her. The nuptials had to be delayed as they looked for a new gown.

Elsewhere, a tale is told of a woman in Nairobi’s Eastlands who attempted suicide because, among her other frustrations in life, her younger sisters had settled down before her. For a certain Celestine, who didn’t want her full identity revealed, she felt like a loser at her younger sister’s wedding.

“It was not a race, my sister and I were in no competition. But I would be lying if I said there wasn’t a small nagging voice in my head. I found it difficult and weird that my kid sister was getting married before me,” says the 34-year-old, adding that she felt like skipping the wedding, yet she was one of the bride’s maids. Interesting, before settling down, Celestine went through this, not once but thrice.

It is this kind of rivalry and panic that saw one Carol*, 29, a teacher, who was being constantly nagged by relatives, settle down with the wrong man — the next man who made a marriage proposal to her!

Experts advice that it’s the prerogative of parents to manage sibling rivalry and ensure it doesn’t grow into jealousy in their adulhood. Parents and society are being called upon not to be too hard on a person whose younger siblings are getting married or even progressing faster or better than them in life.

Wandia Maina, a counselling psychologist at Phoenix Training Solutions in Nairobi, advises parents to raise their children in a proper way that makes them understand that they are different and make progress in life differently.

“Parents should look at their children as individuals, as people of different capabilities, each with their potential, some laid back and others aggressive,” says the councillor.

Wandia also advises that no one should be bulldozed into marriage or making progress in life. Hear her: “The laid back or less aggressive firstborns should not be compelled to graduate at college, get married or buy a car before the outgoing and more aggressive third or say sixthborns! Progress in life is not by birth order.”

To the elder sibling being beaten to stuff by younger siblings, she asks you to take it in your stride. She concludes asking siblings who are in perpetual rivalry with one another to take it easy because there is more to life than competition.