Nairobi's weirdest 'mzungu'

        White matatu tout         Photo:www.kenya-today.com

Makanga Hellen will sure give you back your change. Female makangas no longer wheel around surprised necks from Nairobians,  they are already used to them. But there is one who has ignited animated conversation and curiosity.

Helen is a tout operating along Kileleshwa-Othaya-city centre route. She works most Sundays and on odd weekdays. What excites Nairobians about Helen is that she is an ‘odiero’.

“Don’t even try to interview her,” her colleagues in one of the two matatus christened ‘Wrong Turn’ tell me, “Media people came here looking for her and as a result, she went ‘under water’ for two weeks.

Could he then give me her cell phone number as maybe Lady Luck might wink kindly upon me? Tough luck! “We don’t have her number; we don’t even know where she lives or what she does during the week. Just wait for her, take a ride and observe.”

And sure ‘Wrong Turn’ drives in with passengers and Helen at the door from where she expertly jumps out to reveal brown jungle boots, hugging blue jeans and a blue hooded jumper. In line with touting, the jeans could do with laundry. Helen taunts other touts who appear used to her.

From where my Third World butt is planted, ‘gumzo mtaani’ (street talk) begins among those sheltering from the Sunday shower: “Huyu mlami hii si works, ni kujibamba!” (This mzungu is not working but merely enjoying herself).

“Pengine ulaya hakunaga madonda?” (Maybe in Europe there are no touts)

“Hiyo mathree ni yake ama ako wera?” (Is that her matatu or is she on payroll?”)

Those who work with Helen had told me, “She ‘chapas works’ (works hard) like everyone else and is paid at the end of the workday despite taking the job as a hobby; she works elsewhere during the week.”

The talk continues with one msapere (Kikuyu) wondering what would happen if a passenger refused to pay. “Gaka ma kagekohora mahati!” (This tout can rough you up with flying kicks).

‘Wrong Turn’ gets its turn on the queue. Passengers are getting in and so do I. The music blaring is Winston Curtis’ Consider Me, a dancehall lover’s rock with a DJ shouting “burugutuuuu!” every once in a while. Whatever that means.

“Nikii uyu ara cuherera gari?” (Why is this one hanging on the matatu), one bewildered woman asks her friend when Helen hangs on the door.

Like most touts depend on memory to sort out their client’s ‘change’ after collecting fare, Helen returns the balance even to those impatient customers saying, “Yangu ilikuwa mia” (Mine was Sh100) for which she replies, “I know, and you’re not the only one waiting for change,” she says with a smile, as her right hand flips through notes wrapped round the index finger of her left hand. Helen appears not to care two hoots about the curious stares and gossip.

“Shukisha Shell,” (Get me off at Shell) the woman of “Nikii uyu ara cuherera gari?” says while whispering to a friend, “Nataka kujua kama anajua Kiswahili,” (I want to know if she knows Kiswahili) then Helen asks while slapping the door: “Hapa?” (Is it here?)

Helen is not the only show-stopping mzungu in town. There are many others. As a matter of fact, a shabby-looking mzungu lives inside an old van parked somewhere in city centre. The Nairobian, figured him out.

Mysterious German lives alone in caravan in CBD

After weeks of looking, we finally caught up with the strange European last week around Simmers Restaurant where his mysterious caravan rests.

“I am from Munich, Germany and I travelled all the way in this van. I have travelled to many countries in the last four and-a-half years,” the man, who refused to tell us his name, told The Nairobian at the Simmers Restaurant where we found him sipping a soda. “In Africa I have been to 11 countries namely: Egypt, Sudan, Ethiopia, Kenya, Uganda, Congo, Tanzania, Zambia, Malawi, Mozambique and Namibia.”

His strange odyssey, he claims, started in Munich four years ago and took him from Windhoek through Cairo at a cost of €100,000  Euros (Sh11.77 million). So far he has spent more than €70,000 (Sh8.24 million) on his journey to nowhere.

 “I left my home because I wanted to start a new life in Africa. I will not go back. There is nothing to go back to there,” explained the unkempt mzungu whose thick accent made our conversation a tough task. “I have sisters, but they are sick. I also have a house in Munich but I have ensured they have disconnected electricity and water, so there is no bill.”

The strange foreigner claims to have been a building contractor in Germany with rental houses. From the conversation, it gradually emerges that he might have sold this property to foot his expensive adventure.

When pushed to tell what he currently does for a living or what his days entail, the Caucasian wanderer proves a hard nut to squeeze.

“That’s private. Why do you want to know? Don’t write a story,” he protests harshly after I make an attempt to take notes. “If you do that, bad people will know me and come for my things,” he says.

I decide to memorise the interview since I was not ready to lose him after such a long hunt. I had to pick facts from his incoherent and thickly accented rumbling.

I ask him about life in his cabin whose interior is forever concealed behind a thick layer of cardboard. He says:

“I can take a shower from the car. I have four jerrycans of water and there is a drainage pipe. I also cook since there is a kitchen sink. There is also a toilet that I rarely use these days because I can access hotels,” the foreigner who claims to have a valid visa narrated.

“The sleeping place can accommodate two adults and the roof can also be converted into a bed for children if there is a family. You can go on holiday in this car anywhere and not incur hotel expenses.”

The white man says he has travelled to several towns in Kenya including Eldoret, Busia and Nakuru but he mostly shuttles between Nairobi and Mombasa. His gearbox and engine parts have a problem but he cannot find any spare parts here.

“Last time I went to Mombasa, someone poisoned me. I was rushed to hospital and put on a drip. So, I don’t like Mombasa,” he says. “I like camping around the central business area because it’s much safer than the outskirts since there are many people even at night.”

He used to camp at Karen and Amboseli area but got robbed four times, he says. The last time thugs specifically took his data equipment and a memory card with a film of his journey from Munich to Windhoek.

“I suspect some mzungu must have given the thugs some money to steal information. I screamed loudly but nobody came to my rescue because it was a campsite,” he angrily laments. “Problem with Africans is they can do anything for money. Too bad.”

The middle-aged man says he has lost information before while in Addis Ababa when thugs attacked his cabin and stole a cache of family photos and other memorabilia from his life in Germany. For such reasons, he does not carry a lot of cash but prefers to withdraw from his bank, which he declined to reveal.

Strangely, the man kept sticking his bony and hairy hand into his trousers to scratch an itch, an indicator that he might be harbouring some bugs in his evidently dirty garments.

Asked how old he was, he puts it in the context of Kenyan politics. “I am three of four months older than your president,” the mzungu retorts.

“That means I am 51.”

He reveals his father fought in the NAZI army and after the war he had to toil hard.

“The French and English took away all the machines and the good things after the war,” he grumbles. “But good thing is 20 years later, Germany was on top of England and France.”

Peculiarly, ‘kanjo’ does not bother the man; his cabin-mobile has never been clamped even though there is no sign of a single parking fee receipt.

White hawker says Armageddon is coming early

Elsewhere along Uhuru Highway, another white man stunned commuters aboard a Kenyatta National Hospital bus when he started to market a religious book.

The middle-aged man who identified himself as John boarded the bus near Kenyatta Avenue roundabout recently with a bagful of his wares and out of the blues embarked on a sermon, grabbing the attention of the rather tired passengers.

“This is an amazing read derived from the Bible book of Revelations,” he said of the copy titled Armageddon.

After a short sermon, he dished out the book to several passengers and said, “If it interests you, just pay for it with what you have.”

The surprised commuters gaze at him blankly. Some of them buy the book for Sh50 while others spend Sh100. In span of 10 minutes, the mzungu has completed his sermon, and is 20 copies of book sales richer.

Adios amigos! Bon voyage!

Any other strange mzungu you have spotted in your neigbourhood? Send your story to [email protected]