How to become an MP straight after campus

Kenya went to the ballot this past week, and among those elected was former UoN Students Organisation of Nairobi University boss - the indefatigably incorrigible - Babu Owino. Following his election into parliament as MP for Nairobi’s Embakasi East, most university students (especially those interested in politics) have begun looking for ways on how to follow his footsteps.

So, for once, I’m not going to bash anyone on this column today. Instead, I’m going to give these student wannabe dons advice on how to become Babu Owino in three simple steps.

One: Arm yourself with a lot of extra, big-sounding English words that may or may not be grammatically correct, and may or may not make sense to the matter at hand. When speaking to the people and, for instance, you want to say a word as simple as ‘surprised’, instead, go ahead and add on, “perplexed, flabbergasted, dumbfounded, discombobulated, abashed, flummoxed, bollixed, nonplussed.”

Memorise these synonyms and randomly throw them in conversations, or save them for the day you’ll be called to appear on TV and toss them all over the place to either seem smart and well-schooled, or just for the hell of it. You know, because you can.

Two: Have a bunch of online goats to make sure your name is always on every campus student’s lips. They should be cheap people with nothing going on in their personal lives; people who will be comfortable with anything between Sh110 to Sh527.

And, for that amount, they will shout your name atop all mountain hills and make sure that every university student in Kenya knows your name. Let them take pictures of you in restaurants and say how you bought lunches for everyone within. Let them take pictures of you in police stations and say how you slapped the OCS for disrespecting your ‘comrades’; let them take pictures of you with the President and say how you were loaning him money because he - the President - was broke.

Three: Vie for student office. Do everything in your power to make sure you win. Once you do, never get out of that seat. I repeat, thou shall not get out of that seat. At whatever cost. Make news headlines by making outrageous remarks or issue strange threats like when Babu threatened to unleash all campus guys to pee on a tree then US president had planted when he visited Nairobi if Higher Education Loans Board delays to disburse funds on time.

That’s all it takes, gentlemen. Just that. Follow these very simple steps and one day, just one day, you’ll also find yourself in the corridors of parliament. If that doesn’t happen, call my Editor and ask for me to be fired. Okay, maybe let’s not get ahead of ourselves here. Just follow the steps and see how it goes. Cheers.