Making, sticking to New Year resolutions amounts to economic sabotage, experts say

Economic experts have warned that making and sticking to New Year resolutions could have a catastrophic effect on the economy.

This is because keeping resolutions such as quitting smoking, junk food and drinking could see large sectors of the economy experience a downturn, due to fewer people consuming these products.

The economic experts were speaking at a workshop, which they had been postponing to hold for years before the guilt of a broken resolution became too much to bear.

“Before you selfishly decide to quit beer, think of all those people you will put out of work at the beer plants, at the bar... and even those who spike your drinks to steal from you!” ranted one of the economists, as he banged the table in anger before carrying on with the lengthy tirate.

“Before you decide to quit junk food think of all the potato and chicken farmers who you will be rendering jobless... and think of all those students who are toiling in medical school so that they can become heart specialists but who, if you quit junk food, will not have patients to take care of if you start eating healthy...

“Before you resolve to start spending more time with your family instead of partying like a teenager, think of all the people employed in the night club sector you will be putting out of work...

“Before you decide to quit smoking in a selfish attempt to save your lungs, think of all those taxes you will be denying the government... and consequently all those corrupt people who will have less to steal from public coffers... be mindful of the welfare of the corrupt, they are people too!

“Before you decide to put your family first and quit ‘sponsoring’ that socialite or the other pretty young campus thing, consider the high unemployment rate among Kenyan youths and the easy life and money some of them consider a birthright... plus the rest of the country leads drab boring lives, lacking in entertainment, drama and so when your rival ambushes you and shoots you, we need that to tickle and give us an adrenaline rush...

“Before you decide to lose weight, think of all those instances you have had to pay for two seats on an aircraft... so please reconsider, this is not a good time to put the final nail on the coffin of our ailing national airline... obesity will kill you, yes, but between you and the national airline, what is more important?

“Before you decide to wean yourself off debts and start living within your means, think of all the shylocks you will be putting out of business and all the mean looking bouncers they have on their payroll to scare people like you into repaying loans...

“Plus our mobile loans sector is just beginning to take off, this is the one time it needs your support... and for the love of me, before you resolve to save more and spend less, remember there are many people whose income depends on you spending like there is no tomorrow... a savings culture is not as important as the culture of keeping up with the Joneses...

“And before you resolve to becoming well-learned, think of the actors, actresses, socialites, and news bimbos you will be putting out of work... if you have to read, watch a movie with subtitles...

Additionally, the economic experts added, keeping New Year resolutions should be designated an economic crime.

They also suggested that incentives should also be given for people to break the New Year resolutions.

Politicians should also urged to provide leadership by making campaign promises they can’t keep so that Kenyans can copy them and do the same with New Year resolutions.