Uncle Ted: Help! I don't know how to 'katia', I am still a virgin at 30

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Hi Uncle Ted,

I am a 30-year-old young man who is still a ‘virgin’. I don’t know how to ask a woman out and I need your help. I am too lonely. Please hook me man- William.

Dear William,

That you have managed to keep your family jewels firmly zipped in your pants when teenagers are romping like rabbits and spreading kaswende is nothing short of a miracle. First, you have no idea how to have sex. Two, you are dying to have sex. And three, you don’t know how to ‘tune’ a woman. I would have advised you to stroll into a brothel, but that would be silly because you don’t have the guts and have probably never set eyes on a condom.

Let us, therefore, do this the old school way. Stop a random chick and ask, “Njia ya kwenda Posta ni gani?” If there is a girl you really fancy, write her a long love letter. Ensure to spray it with your cologne and lie to her that her weave drives you nuts or something to that effect. Say you are shy (women love shy men!) In short, do something, man, before your ‘promulgating instrument’ shrivels up and dies!