Need obedient children? Here's how to teach them to listen and obey

Most parents are guilty of a little double-think when it comes to obedient children.

While you wouldn’t like them to fall in with your every command like robots, you sometimes wish they’d get dressed when told, brush their teeth when told, and stop fighting with their brother or sister when told.

So, just how much disobedience is actually healthy? Scientists have shown that people who just obey orders tend not to think for themselves and often don’t take responsibility for their actions.

In short, an obedient soldier may shoot to kill without truly considering what he’s doing-simply because those are the orders he’s been given.

As a result, parents need to be careful when demanding obedience from their children. Explaining why they need to obey can be helpful, both in getting children to comply, and in teaching them to think for themselves.

After all, at the most fundamental level, a certain degree of obedience is needed to stay alive; you need to obey the doctor’s orders sometimes and the laws of the road, for instance.

You have a better chance of your child obeying you if you follow traditional child-rearing guidelines. These are to keep your commands to a minimum, be consistent, and praise rather than punish.

You are also assisted by the child’s natural urge to conform - most children want to do what they see adults around them doing; to be part of the big world, and to understand and obey its rules and regulations.

1. Practise what you preach

Consequently, children will often be guided by your behaviour rather than your words. “Do as I do, not as I say,” is a motto any parent could explore when they’re considering obedience. For instance, how obedient can you expect your child to be about switching the TV off if you watch a lot of it yourself?

Some disobedience is to be expected. It is your child’s way of testing both you and the limits of her own growing independence. This needs to be viewed with respect, mixed with a healthy confidence to give commands when you feel it is appropriate.

2. Use suggestions instead

You don’t have to bellow out commands. Use parent power to be subtle and cunning-disguise your commands as suggestions, use persuasion and give choices. Having a well-established structure within the day can also help you avoid arguments.

‘Time for...’ is preferable to, ‘Now you must put away your toys/have lunch.’ Some house laws help give a child a sense of security, and being expected to carry out their share of tasks is useful for fostering that independence.

It is not always easy to strike the right balance between individual and family needs; to avoid cloning our child on the one hand, and turning her into a little anarchist on the other.

But perhaps the most useful guideline is to avoid making obedience into a power struggle, because it’s exhausting, profitless and represents one of the most stressful areas of parenting.