Gender violence war must start at home

My teenage daughter tells me she has friends who are beaten by their boyfriends. Not their husbands, not even their fiances, just boyfriends. Her efforts to get them to walk away have been met with blank stares, as if the thought of being without a boyfriend is, to these girls, utterly inconceivable. And so they stay on and the cycle of abuse continues.

Gender-based violence has no justification in any context and most people agree that the men who mete it out on women – and vice versa – have serious problems. But perhaps an even more serious issue is the people who stay on in abusive environments.

A few days ago, a media report had different well-known women giving their views on violence against women.

There were also a few not-so-well-known women interviewed who admitted that they endured regular beatings because they had nowhere else to go, or so that their children could continue to be looked after by their husbands (school fees, clothing and health care) and also so the children wouldn't lose out on any inheritance. They did not think they had a choice.

This year's 16 Days of Activism against Gender-based Violence campaign theme is 'From Peace in the Home to Peace in the World'.

Everything, good or bad, begins at home, in the family setting. When children are not taught at home about self-worth, dignity and integrity, they are highly unlikely to learn elsewhere. Instead, they will learn other things that will invariably make them vulnerable to all kinds of abuse from other people equally lacking in self-worth.

School will not do it so it should never be looked at as an option. This kind of empowerment must start at family level.

For years, champions of the girl-child have been growing in number and strength, and their message has been mostly that girls must be allowed to finish school. Indeed there is empowerment when a girl is given the space and tools needed to go as far as she can go academically.

But academics form only one aspect of a person's life and cannot be relied on solely to produce a well-rounded individual. When formal education is the sole focus of a person's life, the result is men and women at the highest levels of Government and the corporate world who, although they may have very high IQs, are totally lacking in emotional intelligence. This is because of a failing that happened long ago, when they were still little children.

When people, men or women, are helped to understand from an early age that they are valuable, it is hard to beat them down. And this has little if anything to do with social status – some of my daughter's friends come from very rich homes, while some of the women interviewed for the paper were from more modest backgrounds.

When a person lacks a sense of self-worth, they become an easy target for bullies and jerks who will not hesitate to take advantage of their vulnerability.

But when a person grows up understanding that they have a valuable contribution to make to society in their given areas of strength, they become assets to their family, community, country and ultimately, the world.

If such a person should encounter abuse directed at them, they would be adequately equipped to recognise that abuse for what it is and deal with it.

They would understand that they are not the one with the problem but the other person. They would not stick around until their physical and emotional states are so beaten down that they no longer have the will to live. They would refuse to believe they are so desperate that they can do absolutely nothing to change their situation.

They would do something before hurt, bitterness and anger take over their entire lives. It is every parent's responsibility to raise their children to be able to live with other people towards the development of a robust society. But what happens when those parents were not raised right themselves? The cycle of low - or no - self-worth continues until an entire nation can become famous for violence.

The mob who stripped a woman naked on a Nairobi street two weeks ago clearly had unresolved issues inside them that erupted at the perceived provocation of a 'scantily dressed' woman. Their collective issues fed on each other until they had stripped the woman not only of her clothes but also her dignity and privacy. They wanted their victim to be just like them.

They say if you want to solve a problem, you must go back to the place where it began. As we mark and celebrate this year's 16 Days of Activism, we need to return to our homes and re-examine how well we are preparing the children to face the world.

Because if it doesn't start at home, it is not going to go very far.