Understanding the alpha female

When a woman knows what she wants and goes after it resolutely, not waiting like a damsel in distress for a man to rescue her, she suffers less disappointments in love and in life, writes ALLAN OLINGO

She is aggressive, assertive and doesn’t make it easy for you to pick her up. She is on top of her dating game. She gives you a run for your money and makes you work overtime just to get her. But all this only makes her more appealing to men who are also frightened to date her.

Call her a tomboy or a go-getter, an alpha female does not shy away from getting into professions traditionally reserved for men and conducts her business on an equal footing with men. She knows what she wants and, make no mistake, she will get it.

In the real world, many guys feel intimidated by these empowered women and are afraid of making the first move. But usually, these women will not wait; they have no problem throwing the first dart.

Dr Agnes Zani, a sociologist, notes that this hesitance by men could be because they have been burned so many times in the past while dealing with this kind of women that they can’t take the idea of another rejection.

"When you are in a relationship, being an alpha female is all about getting what you want and the key to getting what you want is to be direct as hints sometimes don’t work," notes Dr Zani.

Go get it

She adds that a lot of women, for some reason, expect guys to know just what they want without having to say a word, yet this is not how things should work.

"You need to tell them exactly what you want and not just once but repeatedly, until one day it finally sinks in. Alpha females understand this concept and are very tenacious about getting their needs and desires communicated and satisfied", she adds.

Roseline Kariuki is studying aviation engineering. She is just amongst the few women in this male dominated field and she says her choice of career has been intimidating the men in her life and affecting all the relationships she has had, but she has no regrets for it. She describes herself as dominant, confident, and in charge.

"I am proud of being a go-getter and having a strong sense of purpose and I do not mind being called an alpha female. I only want a guy who knows that I’m worth chasing after," she says.

For many women, being a true alpha female is well outside their comfort zone. But forthright and aggressive women more often than not end up better off because they get what they bargain for. Such women experience fewer disappointments due to their assertive nature.

The alpha female has an uncanny ability to make men chase her. Her talent is very distinct from that of the "alpha male", a man whose skill for chasing women is finely tuned. But the alpha female’s talents are special, and consequently, chasing her might be a man’s biggest dating challenge yet.

Dominant and confident

In her book The Return of the Alpha Female, Melissa L Thornton notes that this kind of women are very talented at making any man believe that they are busy, as an alpha woman likes to have her man at her beck and call and wants him to work around her schedule.

So how can you tell if she’s an alpha female? There are many dead giveaways, which men can use to identify alpha females in their relationships, signs that make these kinds of women easily recognisable.

Dr Zani notes that most of these women are witty, chatty, very quick with solutions, assertive, dominant, very confident, powerful, and seductive. They are the go-getter type, not shying away and waiting for suggestions.

"Men need to remember that when pursuing a woman who knows her way around the dating game, they need to keep their cool as an alpha female can smell fear," she adds.

Given that alpha females are used to men chasing them, it should not then come as a surprise that gifts like flowers and chocolate don’t impress them much. This is because their expectations are higher than most women’s, so a man will have to be a little more original to get their attention.

You could write her a personalised letter and leave it on her windshield or even go out of your way to have lunch delivered at her office. When it comes to gifts, be so original as to choose a potted plant over a rose and a collection of nice music over a box of chocolates.

"She is sexually aware and her femininity is laced with strength; she is smart and respects herself, meaning that she loves who she is and takes care of her needs first. She isn’t needy and that’s a highly desirable trait, making the alpha female a choice catch for many men", writes Thornton.

Moving on

Given that alpha females are intelligent, they can change their ball game in relationships at any time without obvious emotional or psychological scars. Most of them recover quickly from drawbacks, including those involving relationships, and move on to other relationships where they will strive. The overall advantage of being an alpha female is that one is in control all the time and this reduces their levels of tension, anxiety, lack of confidence and disappointments.

Dr Zani notes that many guys feel very intimidated by the empowered women, as they are very informed, articulate, independent minded, confident, economically empowered.

She points out that this is a different model from what guys have been used to, saying that a few guys have noted these changes and have tried to keep ahead of these women understanding and complimenting them. There’s no need to feel intimidated as a man, but dealing with such a woman takes a courageous, confident and open-minded man.