Expect these lovers’ day gifts

So many women with significant others are looking forward to Valentine’s Day, hoping and praying that it will come with lots of pleasant surprises ranging from branded wrist bands to surprise trips. As for me and my house, we are looking forward to a miracle because a surprise cannot bring forth a man, only a miracle can.

I am here though to prepare you, my fellow woman, for what to expect from your man depending on what category he falls in. If he is aged between 45 and 55 and his age is almost twice yours, baby, prepare yourself for the treat of your lifetime.

You are among those who might just walk out of their houses tomorrow straight into the parking lot and come face to face with a state-of-the-art machine decorated with Helium baloons and a ‘Happy Valentine’s’ message.

In most cases, your man will be absent because these men who fall under this age bracket fear attention. Or better still, you might just hear ‘patapatapatapata’ above your neighbourhood only for a helicopter to land and before you know it, you are looking at the rest of us from a bird’s eye view as we try to beat the traffic back to our homes.

The 35 to 45-year-old man

If your man is aged between 35 and 45 and you are about ten years younger than him, babygirl, pack your bags right now and charge your power bank because a surprise road trip awaits you tomorrow. Be ready to call in sick to work on Monday because girl, there is no way you are coming back before then.

Before I forget, do not, I repeat, do not pack hicking boots or swimming costumes. The men in this age bracket like it indoors. Just carry your sleeping bag just in case he decides to make it a wild adventure.

Better still, just charge your power bank and don’t pack anything. These men will buy you everything you need during the trip. Who wouldn’t want to have something new on daily for the trip? That power bank will come in handy when you start taking photos and videos and uploading them on social media for the world to see.

These men love attention and will do anything to trend on social media. Yes, they will tell you to take a picture of the menu at that expensive five star hotel you are in and upload it on social media not forgetting to tag them. They will make you use the caption “Chilling with bae”.

The 25 to 35-year-old man

Sweetheart, if he is in this bracket, do not pack any bags because you are not going anywhere, not even to church. Stop looking out anytime you hear ‘patapatapatapata’ above your neighbourhood, it’s not your ride mummy! All you have to do is free your diary tomorrow evening because a dinner for two in a resturant with Valentine’s Day offers awaits you.

Yes, he will make you put on a red dinner dress because the restaurant has promised to give out a free bottle of wine to every lady in a Red dress. He will tell you about the dinner tomorrow morning just to make sure you cancel any plans you had with your girls. The men in this age group fear ‘The girls’ like Plague! They will do anything to keep you off your girls claiming they are bad influence to you.

If it gets to noon tomorrow and he hasn’t told you about the dinner yet, mummy, you are going nowhere and don’t dare ask because that alone can make you trend all over the media for all the wrong reasons.

Just sit pretty and wait for evening to fall then make dinner and iron your clothes for Monday because girl, it’s going to be a looooong blue Monday for you at work. It’s not easy sitting around women who were pampered during Valentines Day while all you got was a stern look.