Agony: When his friends come first

A friend of mine whom I shall call Crystal told me a very sad story over the weekend. She shared with me the agony her man puts her through.

She told me she often feels like her husband’s friends; not his lover. She lamented that his pals, often referred to as ‘the boys’, are ruining her marriage.

They are involved in almost every intricate detail of their (Crystal and her hubby’s) lives.

Apparently, it began when her husband pressured her to marry him just because his friends were getting married too. They have two kids, but her husband pesters her to have more babies because his friends are doing so. Would you believe that!

More interestingly, even though it made sense for them to live in Nairobi’s South C, which was near both their work places and their son’s school, Crystal’s husband refused to move from Pangani because all his boys lived there!

It is unfortunate that some men choose their friends over their women and family. And Crystal’s husband is one such man. That space that was once preserved for the woman has now been invaded by ‘the boys’.

The sad tale reminded me of my own ordeal some time back.

I recall dating a guy who I will call Mike. He was not a bad man. In fact, we had an okay relationship, but one thing that made me dump him, and never look back, was the unhealthy relationship he had with his friends, the so-called the boys.

There is nothing wrong with a man hanging out with his boys. But Mike fancied his boys than me, or so I thought.

His weekends were mostly booked with activities he was doing with the boys, and I was usually squeezed in somewhere — if I was lucky.

I mean, I was never a priority. His boys were the most important thing. According to Mike I was just a by-the-way of sorts.

GROUP DATES

Date night consisted of group dates. The horrors of having to endure the company of six other wives and girlfriends you would never ever be friends with, even if you had met under different circumstances, was absolute torture.

Trips out of town were basically group road trips or holidays. For instance, Easter for me was an awkward holiday with women I had absolutely nothing to say to.

All because the world might just end if the boys were apart from each other for even a day! Further, Mike’s time was spent chatting with his boys on their WhatsApp group, all day and all night.

Most disheartening, though, was the fact that decisions were made depending on what the pack felt. At one point I was left feeling like his boys were his main girl and I was the side dish!

The straw that broke the camel’s back was the most annoying thing ever. Being the good girlfriend I was, I planned to use my own money to take him out to dinner to celebrate his birthday.

PARTNERS COMES FIRST

When I told him about my brilliant plan, you wouldn’t believe what he told me.

“We cannot plan a dinner yet, because I do not know what my boys are planning for me. Let’s wait and see.”

With that our relationship came to an end. His behaviour was so odd and perplexing to me, because I do not understand grown men who do virtually everything as a group as if they were goats.

I suspect I’m not alone. Many other Kenyan women must be going through this.

This is a phenomenon that many Kenyan women are having to deal with. Men do not want to stand alone, they want to walk in packs, make decisions in pack, and do everything else as a group.

When one gets into a relationship, the hierarchy of important things must change; your partner must come first.