Kenyan IT guru launches app that generates hilarious nicknames for teachers

Due to rampant laziness and lack of originality among today’s school-going children, a local software developer has come up with a computer application for generating funny and creative nicknames for teachers.

“The standards of nicknames being given to teachers has considerably deteriorated over the years. Most of the monikers students give teachers are not ridiculous anymore; they lack depth, originality and are lame with no chance of the originator being expelled from school for a wicked imagination,” scoffed the app developer. The sad state of affairs, the developer said, forced him to spoon feed these children by coming up with the software. 

Repeating clothes

“I came up with this thing to help these couch potatoes automate nicknames, leaving them with ample time to engage in other noble activities like sneaking contraband into school,” the IT guru added.

In a demonstration, the app developer promised that his creation will be easy to use. “All students have to do is type in the outstanding characteristics of their teachers and bingo, a wacky nickname will pop up,” explained the app developer.

“For instance, if the teacher is in the habit of repeating the same clothes, say, red trousers at least three times in a week, you just type in the colour of the garment and the nickname potassium permanganate among others will pop up. If they are boring and make you sleep in class, simply type in ‘boring’ and names such as ‘Mr Piriton’ or ‘Mchele Artist’ will come up!”

Worried teachers

Among other things, the nickname generator app has been hailed for democratising the labelling of teachers. How? Well, those tutors with no strange, memorable features and qualities and, as a result, lack nicknames will now for the first time, be baptised with one.

“Some of my colleagues have nice nicknames, and I always envy them. With my polite personality, which means I neither evoke feelings of love nor hate, I thought I was going to retire without ever getting a nickname. But now with this app, it’s only a matter of time before my dreams come true,” revealed one excited teacher.

School administrators are, however, a worried lot. “With nicknaming of teachers now automated, students will have more time on their hands for all kinds of mischief like sex, drugs and finding new ways to cheat in exams” said one visibly distraught headmaster.

“The education ministry should step in and ban this thing.”

With regard to the features of the app, the developer was quick to add that it will not collect details such as identity of users. In short, no student runs the risk of being victimised since it’s all anonymous.

“User’ details won’t remain in servers. It’s actually safer than writing on the toilet walls of your school toilets because here neither your finger prints nor your handwriting can betray you,” the developer added.

There will be two versions of the app — one for light users and another for heavy users. Light users will get the app for free and they will be able to generate five teacher nicknames per school term at no cost.

Heavy users (those who need to generate more than five nicknames per term) will, however, have to pay a subscription fee.

Other ways the app will generate revenue include advertising. Products likely to advertise on the app include chewing gum since research shows teenagers are very fond of chewing gum when talking to their teachers.

And in a related development, just hours before the official launch, which was timed to coincide with the opening of schools, non-school going adults were reported to be downloading the app.

But for entirely different reasons — generating names or rather insults with which to save the phone numbers of people they don’t particularly like!