Raising sexually upright kids

By Gardy Chacha

It’s no longer the planet Earth — just a global village. Information technology has not only brought a fastened interconnection between humans; with it, sex has become an omnipresent experimentation of the wild side of humanity.

As for children born with sky-high aptitude for curiosity on male-female engagements and everything pleasure, how they get to understand the intricacies of sex will greatly determine their sexual mannerisms and affinity towards it.

But then again, what is sex? Should children know about sex? What should they know about it? These are pasty questions that deserve authentic knowledge if we are to salvage generation Y from sinking into the chasm of sexual misinformation.

Dilemma
By preschool, most children have developed a strong sense of being a boy or girl, and continue to explore their bodies even more purposefully.

The African culture has a cryptic approach to children’s sexuality; it’s considered a taboo talking to children about sex. The old folks would say it’s crass, risqué and uncalled for jargon that would only serve to convert children into perverts.

But children sometimes see pets or other animals engaged in sexual behaviours. They see birds and bees pollinating flowers and that alone evokes some thought in them.

When they ask about what these animals are doing, child psychologist Prof Philomena Ndambuki of Kenyatta University advices that you provide accurate information, and model an attitude of respect about growth, biology and reproduction.

Unreliable sources
Prof Ndambuki says: “I wouldn’t advise parents to talk to their children about sex until they encounter puberty, but in this day and age where a lot of negative media on sexuality pollutes every crevice of our living, it would be proper to give children information depending on what they ask and what they are talking about.”

Ndambuki further offers that if parents don’t open up and discuss sexuality in the right context, then eventually the children will find out, but through the wrong means, which would negatively impact their thinking rather than help in informing them rightly.

Most parents of infants and toddlers think that their children’s sexual development may seem a long shot away. However, research shows that sexual development begins in a child’s first years.

Infants, toddlers, and young school-aged children develop an emotional and physical foundation for sexuality in many subtle ways with age. For instance, being held and touched, kissed and hugged, pecked and tickled, by parents themselves allows a baby to experience comforting, positive physical sensations associated with being loved.

The website www.kidshealth.com reports that by age two to three, a child starts to develop the sense of being male or female.

Children this age start to understand the difference between boys and girls, and can identify themselves as one or the other. As children become curious about everything, it’s common for them to ask questions like “Where do babies come from?” or “Why doesn’t my sister have a penis?”

Courting trouble
Pastoral parents Edward and Ruth Munene have two girls: one 12, and the other eight. They are a modern face of parents willing to make inroads in educating their children about sexuality, when and where necessary. Ruth, whose career both as a teacher and a psychologist combines with her stature as a mother completes a trilogy, concurs that  parents talking to their children about sex would be the effective option compared to concealing the truth from them, when it’s evident that they’ll still find out about it.

Ruth observes that today’s children are exposed to Television, Internet and other forms of media and a world where nudity is defined as fashion. Parents who keep quiet, calling sex a taboo subject — like it used to happen when she growing up, she says, are calling for trouble.

“A parent is a child’s number one teacher; children connect with their parents first before anybody else.

“However much as a teacher is supposed to tackle the subject of sex, it would be better if the parents set the foundation for the child to learn about sexuality,” she says.

Edward on the other hand corroborates his wife’s views, pointing out that when a parent gets questions that touch on the thin line that is sexuality, they should try to give honest answers and as matter-of-factly as possible.

Answers like “Babies are bought from the supermarket” not only thaws a child’s curiosity, but also make parents lose credibility when the children find out the truth their own way. Being truthful when answering sex questions encourages the children to come to you when they are confronted with relationship or sexual dilemmas, noted Edward.

Prof Ndambuki asks parents to find out exactly what a child wants to know then answer the specific question.

“There would be no need to go into elaborate details because it might not be necessary. You could tell them that a man and a woman can make a baby, which grows inside the woman’s belly. If this satisfies your child, you wouldn’t need to detail how the baby is actually made,” she elaborates.

Around adolescence, children are interested in pregnancy, birth, and gender roles — boys usually play with boys, and girls with girls. This is also the age where their peers and the media begin to have a major influence on their sexual attitudes.

Unreliable sources
If you aren’t a reliable resource, say the Munenes, your child may turn to their peer or perhaps an older person for information about sex, sexual organs, and reproduction — but chances are slim that the facts will be coherent enough or meant for the betterment of your child.

Again, if your school-going child doesn’t seem to be curious about sex, consider initiating some appropriate conversations. If you’ve previously said that a man and woman make a baby, now your child might want to know how.

Still, be honest, as children of this age will jump to their own conclusions when the answers they receive leave a palpable void. Usually their curiosity will demand that they know what they want to know at the time they want to know it.

Prof Ndambuki says that when children mature sexually, they’re often excited and scared about growing up — especially when they notice hair growing in their genitals, get their menses, or start having wet dreams.

They spend a lot of time wondering if they’re ‘normal’ and comparing themselves with their peers. They will explore the changes taking place; something that if not monitored could lead them astray.

Just like Ruth and Edward’s stand on this taboo subject, by being open to your young child’s questions about bodies, babies, love, and sex, you set the stage for continued conversations and openness when puberty begins.

Welcoming the questions about your child’s changing body and sexual issues — and not treating them as dirty or embarrassing subjects — will instill a healthy sense of sexuality.