Daddies for hire

A new breed of mothers fear letting their husbands raise and mentor their sons lest they turn average, writes VICTOR OLUOCH

Long time ago, parenting was one of the most fulfilling responsibilities in life. The social status of parents never mattered as children regarded their parents, whether plumbers, charcoal burners or farmer as heroes.

Usually, both parents played a great role in ensuring their children respected and valued the other parent, irrespective of their position in society.

Sure, you remember lines like “Daddy, when I grow up I want to be strong like you”, “My daddy knows it all”, “Nitakusema kwa daddy wangu,” and the like.

Come the 21st Century and a new breed of parenting tactics are emerging.

If you are a Kenyan father who still receives such complements, then take a deep breath, smile, and give yourself a pat on the back.

Many fathers are currently walking the dark alley unaware that some other man, thought befitting, has been hired to be a father figure and shape the character of your son. This is done while you live with your son under the same roof.

It is more devastating to discover that the factors and individuals responsible for the silent gap between you and your son originate from within the family — your wife. She may be as well be said to engage in the acts of the proverbial mouse that gnaws and soothes at the same time as epitomised in the following case files.

Jane Kiarie is an educated, financially stable 35-year-old Nairobi woman who confesses that the last thing she would allow is her nine-year-old son to taking after his father.

To achieve this, she has erected a thick wall between the two men in her life.

“I take him to school and pick him up in the evening, makes sure he is always playing away from the house whenever his father is around, and recommends intensive tuition and camping activities for the boy during school holidays,” says Jane without butting an eye.

She says that it spoils her mood to see the two men spending quality time together.

Oftentimes, she has quietly left the living room in muffled rage to avoid the “horrible” sight of the two men having a nice time. She is already working on securing a place for the young man in a countryside boarding school only to further increase the distance between father and son, she reveals to me.

“Physically, the boy is a copyright of his father to which I’m grateful. I dread the possibility of any such genetic inheritance propagating beyond the physical,” says Jane.

Interestingly, she says she does not have any serious, specific issues with her husband.

“If anything, people do admire our relationship and once in a while, tell us as much,” says Jane.

So, how does she justify her actions? Jane says that it is a confusing situation, but remains categorical that her better half has not met the threshold of being a mentor to her son.

She says: “He is a good man, yes, but he isn’t quite what I want my son to be.”

A similar case is Christine Ng’eno’s. She is a middle class, 40-year-old Nairobi resident who has gone a step further by identifying a male workmate as a role model for her two sons aged ten and 15. Her reason for leaving her husband out of the loop is based on a simple philosophy: “Having a good man as a husband is only acceptable in our generation. My boys should be more than just good, because the future only has a place for the best.”

“Many such ‘good men’ live and finally go to the grave knowing they’ve passed on a legacy to the next generation,” she observes.

Going through the catalogue of tasks overseen by her appointee for the noble position, it hardly appears like her male colleague ever gets time for his own family or office work.

“He either accompanies me or collects my boys from school by himself almost on a daily basis, helps with the homework, especially when my husband is away, and attends most of the school functions on behalf of my husband and I,” reveals Christine.

As if that is just but pittance, he always budget with the two boys in mind whenever his family is embarking on a holiday.

“Like the two cases exemplify, the practice of women scouting for potential role models for their sons is no longer a preserve of single mothers,” observes a sociologist and counsellor.

In a sharp contrast to tradition, married men are increasingly becoming transparent to their spouses making women settle for role model figures outside the family.

It must come as a surprise to many men that your wife’s ‘heroes’ being fronted to supplant you in the mentorship race are certainly not the Mandelas and the Marigas of this world she says. However, despite their success levels not falling within the medal bracket, she feels they beat you at your game!

More confusing is the fact that the “transparent” man is not necessarily irresponsible; the type tethered to the notorious chang’aa and yokozuna dens. In fact, some score quite well in most family roles.  This is a trend that has left experts scratching their heads for answers.

According to a local pastor and marriage counsellor Rev Philip Kitoto, emotional disconnect is partly responsible for this.

“In situations where the two spouses do not connect emotionally, the woman subconsciously looks elsewhere for a husband figure,” says Philip.

This exclusion of the husband, he says, has little to do with the man’s performance with regard to the society’s general expectation.

“Some of such men branded ‘not good enough’ by their spouses could be, at the same time, all that other women out there look up to for their sons’ mentorship,” he notes.

Another reason that could lead to women looking elsewhere, Philip says, is the kind of upbringing a woman got in the initial stages of her life.

“Women who were raised up in families with little fatherly presence tend to carry forward the same style of parenting into their own families,” says Phillip, adding that such a preference is just, but a part of the symptoms in people dealing with a difficult past.

In a wider context, however, sociologists point a finger at the changing face of society.

“Women are taking more responsibilities as men continue to take even less obligations. Consequently, the society’s power structures have been altered, making the woman attach little value to the father figure,” says Dr Agnes Zani, a sociologist at the University of Nairobi.

She observes that to some women, the husband’s input in the mentorship process may no longer be necessary.

On a positive note, Philip admits that the choosing of role models from without the family is neither a new, nor a bad phenomenon. He says this is a practice that should be encouraged since no parents can claim to posses all the enviable qualities worth passing on to their children.

“What, however, worries me is the possibility, and the increasing tendency of women leaving out their spouses out of this delicate process,” says Phillip.

Dr Zani also warns that overreliance on outside figures for mentorship might prove detrimental in the long run.

“Outsiders have their own values, strengths and weaknesses, and as such, their contribution should be treated as just supplementary and should, therefore, be closely monitored,” she says.

Experts observe that the child is usually the number one casualty in this social circus. For instance, the child might end up disrespecting the father with whom he may still need to relate with in future. In addition, the child might get confused along the way either by realising that other children have close relationships with their fathers or by failing to see the purported shortcomings of their father.

While extreme vigilance on the side of the man could court phobia and is, therefore, discouraged, Zani advises men to devise mechanisms of evaluating their performance as family heads.

However, this usually yields little without a healthy relationship and communication between spouses, and before you know it, another man will already be raising your child from under your own roof!