Dealing with money and in-laws

If not properly and jointly discussed, money can be the biggest source of conflict in marriage, writes Tatiana Saina

The issue of money and in-laws is one of the major impediments to attaining the oneness that is required for a marriage to flourish. At the beginning of our marriage, I did not imagine we would have any issues with money. I figured that since both of us had jobs and did not need to depend on each other, we would never have to deal with money problems.

Without verbalising it, I assumed that we were free to advance a small amount of money to our respective siblings and relatives and only needed to discuss if the amount question exceeded Sh5,000. I should have known that when it comes to communication in marriage, everything has to be verbalised and no assumptions should be made.

On more than one occasion, I realised my husband could not account for about Sh20,000 of his income. Upon further investigation, I realised that he had advanced his brother, who had to take his daughter to Form One.

It was only after I confronted him about it that he admitted that he ‘loaned’ his brother Sh10,000. Of course I knew he had given him more than that, but I could not prove it. I also knew that we could never get back that money. It’s been more than five months and the loaned money is yet to be repaid.  

I am also guilty of secretly giving my siblings some Sh2,000 to Sh3,000 each every month without informing my husband, but it is only because I assumed that was too little to require any accountability. I am now realising that money, however little, is a big issue and has the potential to cause mistrust and break a marriage. In fact, many researches indicate that the leading cause of divorce is money-related problems. I wish we took the advice of the marriage counsellor and opened a joined account. Some of my friends, who have joint accounts, say it was easier for them to view money as ‘our money’, which fosters oneness as opposed to ‘my money’.

However, some are of the view that opening joint accounts is a recipe for disaster and amounts to micro-managing each other and curtailing one another’s freedom.

Dr Phil, a famous marriage counsellor and author in the US, says financial freedom among couples in marriage is important. He advises couples to be accountable and transparent when it comes to money and to prioritise each other over their in-laws, even when it comes to money. According to Phil, financial conflicts among couples are often as a result of other underlying issues.

Going by Dr Phil’s advice, maybe my husband and I need to examine our relationship and see if there could be other issues we need to tackle before we can be in harmony on how much money should go to our in-laws.