I can’t get her out of my mind

There’s a girl I met and fell in love with in 2008. Our relationship blossomed to the point that we had introduced our parents to each other and were planning a life together. Somehow things did not work out and we broke up and went separate ways. We are both married to other people now and each one of us has a daughter. We often talk and have maintained a close friendship. For me it runs a bit deeper because I feel that I may still have deep feelings for her. I think I still love her and she is always on my mind. This is even affecting my sex life because she is the one I think about even when I am with my wife. I cannot get her out of my mind. Please advise. {Njau}

Your take:

Njau, don’t throw your marriage away just because you have feelings for another woman. The other woman is a closed chapter and you should treat it as such. What would happen if your wife got wind of this? Sever links with this woman and concentrate on your marriage.

{Andrew Chaplin}

First, it was bold of you to acknowledge that you have feelings for your ex. It’s sad to share a bed with somebody you do not love. But it all boils down to your values and principles as a man. Get counselling on how you can make your marriage work.
{Manyuira Wa Wanja}

You parted ways with your ex because you saw that your relationship had no future and that is why you both went ahead and married different people. You are the one trying to be an obstacle in her life. Why do you still communicate with her yet she has moved on?  Stop this habit and focus on your family.

{Pkemoi Ngenoh}

 

Njau, it is normal that you broke up with the woman you truly loved. Now that you are married and you have both moved on, you’d do well to forget each other. Focus on your family and learn to appreciate your wife and daughter. Take care not to lose the diamonds while collecting sand.
{Maggie}

 

Quit living in a dream world and concentrate on your marriage. Nurture it with passion, love, and commitment. Similarly, what transpired between the two of you is now water under the bridge. So move on.

{Etyang Denis}

 

It’s good that you have decided to open up about the issue. A relationship, just like a ship on the sea has to face turbulence but in the long run, the storm subsides. It’s high time you focused on your marriage and how to build it. Your heart, body and mind belong to one person and that is your wife.

{Rono Nicholas}  

 

Njau, the Bible says, thou shall not covet another man’s wife. If she was better than any other woman, you ought to have married her. What you are feeling is infatuation and it has serious consequences. Think of the virtues that you saw in your wife and focus. Stop looking behind when everyone else is moving ahead. Remember in the Bible Lot’s wife turned into a pillar of salt because of her indecisiveness.

{Tasma Charles}

 

Njau, remember that you are married and have a wife and daughter who need you. The issue may seem small but it can ruin your marriage. Forget this other woman and focus on your marriage. Remember that this woman is also married and has a husband and child to take care of. What you feel for her is not love but pure lust.

{Karanja David}

 

The issue may seem trivial but it has the potential to destroy your marriage. Forget the other woman and stop all forms of communication with her because you are married.
{Denis Kinyua}

 My take:

Every man goes through this:

Njau, what you are going though is common to most men. Every one of us has their fantasies, which range from past lovers to women that were out of reach.

Some of these fantasies are carried into marriages and just like that woman, they keep coming back to us but they remain just that — harmless fantasies.

Because you are married, you should ignore these temporary distractions and purpose to make your marriage work.

Regarding having a bad sex life with your partner, I have a few extras for you.

First, do not forget that your performance in bed will be analysed with you as the focal point — not her.

If your sex life is pathetic, your wife may think that she is the problem, you are not attracted to her, are having other lovers on the side or your game is wanting.

The point is that the buck stops with you. It is your reputation at stake here not hers. She is safely tucked in another man’s arms.

As a matter of fact she is performing well wherever she is as a wife, mother and a sex partner to her husband so you are the only one who is losing out.

It is time you let go of those fantasies and focus on your marriage. All men have a woman or women they think about when they are making love to their wives — from movies stars, to politicians, porn stars and models and even a neighbour’s hot wife.

These thoughts are sometimes beneficial especially if you no longer find your wife attractive in bed.

At least when you think of your fantasy during such moments it inspires you to make passionate love to your partner.

Futile undertaking

Finally, it is a futile undertaking for a man to be emotionally attached to a woman who is married to another man.

Sexual connection or chemistry with a married woman is one thing but emotional attachment will only get you in trouble.

It will get you into trouble with yourself, your wife and with the other woman’s husband.

Pray hard that the your wife and the woman’s husband do not find out what is going on.

That belief that you cannot get the other woman out of your mind is a falsehood that you need to get rid of. Men are good at it so let go man.

The policy is always out of sight out of mind.

{Taurus}