Should I marry from 'wrong tribe'?

I am in a stable relationship with a woman who is from a different tribe. My parents have been pushing me to get married and bear them grandchildren but when I introduced the girl I want to marry they objected, saying that her tribe is promiscuous, money-minded and that they take their children if the marriage fails or if they want to leave their matrimonial home. I have sought advice from friends who have confirmed that the marriage may not work because of the difference in our cultures and the perceptions of women from that tribe. I am confused because I love her and she is the one I want to marry. I am thinking about ignoring the advice and following my heart but my parents’ strong sentiments keep haunting me. What should I do?

{Wekesa}

Your take:

Wekesa, marriage rarely has a standard manual or a standard outcome. However social groups may have identical patterns of behaviour.

Between you, your parents and friends, one is right. Use the advice to make the correct decision.

{Tsama Charles}

Love is blind to culture, race, tribe and other divisive fctors. If you’re serious with her, try and convince your parents about her. Surely they want the best for you so let them know that this is it.

Remember the final decision is upon you. Others may give suggestions but they should not decide for you.

{Hosea Sang}

Be wary of friends that like to stereotype. For a relationship to work, there has to be commitment, mutual respect, love, trust and sacrifice.

If you lack these, your marriage will break down, even if you married a girl from your own tribe. Since you haven’t found any fault with your girlfriend, why listen to too much of what people have to say?

Give her the benefit of doubt and as a responsible young adult, have an objective discussion with your parents.

{Bernard Oluande}

It is written that man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife.

There is no rule that one should only marry from their tribe, so go for it.

I am a witness that marrying your tribe mate has more advantages but eventually love, happiness and trust is what counts. All marriages can work.

{Ogara George}

Love has no boundaries, so just follow your heart and ignore all those who are telling you to reject your fiancÈe just because she belongs to another tribe. Be yourself and be the one who charts your own destiny.

{Kamau Beka}

The most difficult war in relationships is the war against the ‘good’ old stereotypes perpetuated by the generation of our parents and those before.

The list of stereotypes is as long as you would care to listen. But this generation is winning this war — my marriage is cross-cultural and it is working. When I received opposition from my parents, I made them understand that similarity of language and culture was not a guarantee for successful marriage. We marry individuals not tribes so spread your wings wide and get to interact with different people.

The world has become a global village but I suspect your council of friends is a local one.

{Joe Alando}

Wekesa you are going through a hard time but it’s normal for parents to put pressure on their sons to marry women from the tribe. You need to be strong to convince your parents about your love for the girl. Try and convince your parents that it is your life and you are old enough to make decisions.

{Hallem Onyona}

My take:

Ethnic diversity and the reality

You may not know that Kenya is the second most tribe-diverse country in the world — with 43 ethnic tribes — after Burkina Faso, which has 50. Unlike in many other countries, our tribes are uniquely defined by language, accent, character, physique — and stereotypes.

Each ethnic community has its attendant stereotypes, with some being more pronounced than others. While many people may brush them off, stereotypes do exist and most of them are shaped by our diverse customs and traditions, which form a big part of our identities.

However, they are more pronounced for people who have spent a lot of time in the rural areas where the ethnic customs are a day-to-day occurrence. For those born and raised in the urban areas, stereotypes are just hot air. Many of these guys can hardly speak their native language anyway, so to them stereotypes will most likely not apply.

A glimpse of stereotypes

So let’s burst the myths. Apparently, Kikuyu women seek wealth and don’t leave children behind if the marriage crumbles. Meru women come with a 15-year guarantee and a short temper, have utmost respect for their husbands and will do anything for their families (including maiming and/or killing). They customarily don’t take their children with them.

Luhya women are loyal. demanding and are open-minded when settling divorce matters.

Kamba women are royal, charming and understanding and can also transform the most vicious and wandering tiger into a cuddly bear. Luo women are high-maintenance lovers and keen on always looking trendy.

Marrying from different tribes

Since our identities and practices are shaped by our ethnicities, differences are bound to exist but as I highlighted earlier, these differences are more when one or both parties have a strong rural influence.

However, if you have that feeling that she is the one, go for it! I know parents can nag but once they realise you are moving forward they come along.

Also it is important to know that every woman is her own self so it is not automatic that she will think or act like everybody who comes from her village. Go into the marriage with an open-mind and take each day as it comes.

About your friends, it is important to seek advice but don’t let people make the decision for you. Many cross-cultural marriages have worked because the partners learn to understand each other.

On the same note, even marriages of people from the same neighbourhood break, so there is no guarantee. It is all about the people getting into the marriage with the right attitude towards each other and the union.

{Taurus}