Women guarded secret

Tactical self-disclosure means that dark secrets are revealed only if it is in the interest of the relationship. What secrets do women take to the grave? ALLAN OLINGO explores

Benjamin Franklin is quoted as having said "If you would keep your secret from an enemy, tell it not to a friend". Nowhere is this more practised as in marriage, by men and women who want to protect themselves from their spouses.

Women keep secrets because they are embarrassed or scared of their partners’ hostility and rejection. They also seek to protect their spouses from pain sometimes, and often fear that some secrets, if revealed, will drive the men away.

Women sometimes lie, are economical with the truth, gloss over facts and even deny that some things happened.

Dark pasts

You have probably heard the urban myth that every woman has slept with only three men — "My first boyfriend, my ex and you".

You also may have heard that none but the woman knows the paternity of a couple’s children.

While it may not be common, it does happen that a man brings up another man’s child unknowingly.

What about secret bank accounts? Does every woman have one? And talking of secrets, how many women have cleaned up their closets of past skeletons that would haunt their relationships?

Roselyn Ngorok, a psychologist with the Kenya Association of Professional Counsellors says being rejected, scorned and stigmatised is the main reason why women would rather die with their secrets.

"Usually, the reaction received after sharing a dark secret with one’s spouse makes many women fear disclosure. But this is a risk that anyone who needs to come clean takes," she notes.

Roselyn says she has experienced a counselling session where the man walked out of his wife and marriage after the woman revealed that she was HIV positive.

"It’s such extreme reactions that make many women freak out and resort to keeping such issues to themselves," she notes.

Roselyn advises that it’s important for women to open up to free themselves from bondage. Secrets, she says, usually eat into the relationship as the two partners grow increasingly apart.

Eventually, secrets about such sensitive issues as affairs, medical conditions, money and personal history lead to the downfall of a marriage.

Below are some of the most common secrets women keep.

Abortion

This has been one of the closely guarded secrets women keep from their men. Many women would never reveal that they procured an abortion in their youth because of the stigma associated with this is.

"Men always frown upon a woman who has procured an abortion. They question her sexual history and her moral standing, and this has made women secretive about ‘flushing’," says Roselyn.

Sexual encounters

Most men know that by the time they meet a woman, she hasn’t spent her days in a Convent. They may not delude themselves about her virginity, but many still imagine that the woman is not ‘too experienced’.

A man does not want to have mental images of her getting frisky with old flames. Men may ask about other past guys, but what they’re fishing for is the reassurance that they are the best.

Thus women have learnt to bury their one-night stands and all other casual encounters so they can appear prim and proper.

"Most women will keep their sexual past a hidden secret. They will also stroke their men’s egos when it comes to praising their prowess in the sack," says Roselyn.

Incidents of rape are also an uncomfortable topic for a woman. Also, any romantic escapades that did not result in serious relationships are usually edited. These include all the men she has flirted with. These were just the ‘experience’ needed to prepare her for relating.

Infidelity

When it comes to affairs, women do not kiss and tell. News of an affair his wife has had always hits a man hard, as this is an affront on his ability to satisfy his woman. Often, such disclosure leads to heightened mistrust and a sense of betrayal that results in break-ups and divorces. A woman hardly reveals that she has had feelings for other men. And when it comes to flirting with exes, she will not admit to fanning the dying embers of love and passion.

Secret accounts and wealth

Financial secrets are a black spot for many relationships. Women have been known to keep something for a rainy day in ‘off-shore’ accounts.

Sometimes it is out of selfishness and self-interest, where a woman wants the man to support her without her contributing to the family kitty. But sometimes, it is borne out of the legitimate insecurity that the husband does keep secrets from her — both about finances and about other women he may be spending on — and could leave her high and dry at any time.

Child’s paternity

Roselyn considers the paternity case as one of the deepest secrets a woman will keep. The consequences of letting the truth out are too heavy.

"When a woman has a child who is sired outside the marriage, the moral dilemma is about whether to reveal it and risk alienating her husband and stigmatising the child for life, or to die with the secret. Of course she chooses the latter," she says.