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'Men Only' guide-lines for Miss Kenya

By | September 25th 2010

menonly/ by TONY M Z

Zetech, one of the best colleges to take a post Fourth former to (ze kids often get rotten at 19 and 20, so need to stay occupied) held its "Mr and Miss College" competition at Charter Hall Nairobi last night.

This reminded me of all the brouhaha that surrounded the ‘Miss Kenya’ contest last month – but a month in Kenya is a lifetime. Unless one is as dim as a light-bulb in a dungeon, it’s hard to be bored in this country.

This week it’s a sonko in the dazzling limelight, pun intended. The week before it was ‘body part’ morbid morgue scandals! The week before, it was the devil who was supposed to be calling people on a red number, nicknamed ‘kifo pap!’ I guess with so many folk, like that Najerian con, claiming to have a direct line to God, one such line bearing husbands, Satan got tired and decided to get a direct line to Kenyans.

It’s like that old rock line: "Nobody calling on the phone at home, except for maybe the Pope from Rome." Miss Kenya, then, has faded into archival memories.

national formula

But Men Only would still like to suggest a national formula for all future beauty pageants that especially judges can follow. Let’s begin with the obvious statement that these ‘Miss So-and-Sos’ are beauty contests.

(1) Face: Ten marks for this. It is the front faÁade of the soul, if we agree that the eyes are the windows. A pleasant disposition, therefore, should be the first basis of judging any beauty contest. We don’t care if you have the spirit of Mother Teresa, and warrior spirit of Wangu wa Makeri. If you look like a genetic mutation of a warthog and battle-axe, out.

(2)Breasts: Let’s not beat about the bush, the twins should earn the bearer another ten marks (by the way, George Bush, Jnr, had twins). Breasts are our first source of nourishment at birth, so let’s milk them for all they’re worth at pageants.

(3) Hips: The bottom-line is, bottoms too, come in handy. Many Kenyan men, indeed, have what I consider a very unhealthy obsession with the backsides of damsels. Nevertheless, as they sway and sashay in pageants, ten marks.

(4) Smile: There are stone-faced folk in this world who look like their visages are a mixture of cement. Then there are other people who smile, and the world lights up. You’ve heard of killer smiles? If a beauty contestant possesses one, it’s worth ten points.

(5) Legs: They are a great thing, they’re king! Personally, I have great value of these limbs as I almost lost the right one in a thigh shooting years back.

flamingo stork legs

Legs are ten points in a beauty contest! If they are flamingo stork ones like mine, however, they only deserve a mark each.

(6) Poise: Legs lead to a walk, and if you are a beauty contestant, that would be a catwalk. What’s the point of having it all, then stumbling on the stage, like a porpoise on high heels? With 60 per cent of the marks gone, the rest of the points can be split on other things, at 10 per cent each. Intelligence, where tests on general knowledge can be taken on the spot, paap, complete with desks.

If someone claims to have a talent, it should be revealed on application day so the finalists can be judged by professionals in the field! If a contestant says she can sing, or tap dance, or run a marathon, these claims must be tested!

For resourcefulness, the beauties should be taken out to in wild the morning before the evening of pageant finals, then released only a few minutes before the finals, to see how resourceful they can be in getting to look ‘hot’.

No help from make-up artistes and an army of powder power people. The last ten points would come from SMS voting – if the beauty queens have ‘charisma,’ mamma mia, they’ll be pop-u-lar.

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