Embrace yourself before anyone else does

By Joan Barsulai

I have had a lot of experience in dating and I discovered, the hard way, that true love is indeed unconditional. Nobody should earn love. We are who we are, and no one has any business trying to mould us into their ideal criteria of what a mate should be.

Several women are living under the misconception that the reason they have not met Mr Right, or why their relationships have not worked out is because there is something wrong with them. In their world, there is always something that needs sorting out — "I am a little too chubby" or "I need to be financially independent first", they grumble before he can find me attractive….’

Of course I do not dismiss the fact that we all have our imperfections. For some, it is a short temper, for others an annoying untidiness habit. Whatever your flaws, remember you are human, you can never be perfect. Although imperfections are a normal part of us, some can be worked on not just for our own sake but for that of our partners as well.

However, some traits define us. Perhaps it is loud personality, dry wit, or a silly procrastinating habit. That does not make you weird, simply because someone else says it’s weird.

Never blame yourself

Equally, you cannot stay in an unhealthy relationship and excuse your partner’s unruly behaviour, all the while blaming yourself for the challenges in your relationship. The fact that you expect more does not make you crazy.

In fact it means you are a confident person and know exactly what you deserve. You are an equal partner in that union, and do not ever lose sight of that. Dare to expect the best, especially if you are giving him your best.

We must learn to love and fully accept who we are first, before someone else can ever love us.

Loving ourselves means accepting who we are, warts and whatever other ugly marks we may have. You have got to be crazy about yourself first, before someone else can be crazy about you.

Don’t go out of your way to lose weight or change your personality in the hope of meeting the right man, or in a bid to keep the one you have. If a man cannot love you for whom you are now, he will certainly not love you when you ‘change’. In fact, it only means that he suffers from a low self esteem and naturally, he does not respect or appreciate himself.

It also means he is incapable of expressing the same to you. Take caution, it is just a sneak preview of worse things to come.

When you finally settle down with him, there will always be something that needs fixing, simply because he finds it appalling.

Before long, you will have transformed into someone you can barely recognise. You will no longer have the freedom to enjoy your self worth, and misery will become your middle name.

All your actions will be tied to his opinion, and what makes him happy. You will literally be answering to his every whim. We all have our shortcomings, but that should not stop us from finding love and enjoying the happiness we deserve. Nobody is, or will ever be perfect.

Change for your own good

Do not ever wear yourself out trying to change for someone. If you must change, do it for yourself. That way, you will feel good on the inside — an indefinable measure of satisfaction because it was your initiative.

A person who is always criticising you obviously has his own issues that he needs to work on.

Therefore, in your quest to having a lasting, successful relationship, do not lose yourself in order to complete someone else. There are two completely different human beings in every relationship, with different needs and personalities, and any necessary sacrifices have to be two-way so that one partner does not end up feeling suppressed, and begin to harbour feelings of resentment. It is possible to share your life with someone and still be yourself.

Anyone who truly cares about you wants you to be the best you can be, while being comfortable in your own skin.

In deed, a truly great and secure man does not want a woman who has to literally lose herself to make him happy; he wants a woman who knows what she is about, and is her own person. So embrace your inner self and work with it.

—Codename Stubborn resumes next week.