The road to adultery

By Shirley Gengaa

A lot of people downplay the importance of friendship, especially in a long lasting relationship. Many do not realise that friendship is the foundation and catalyst for a successful relationship, especially one leading to marriage. They erroneously believe that they can separate friendship with basic marital needs.

The wife whose husband has little time for her may think it’s fine, if she finds a friend to talk to instead, and still somehow remain faithful to her husband. Also a husband whose wife won’t give him attention and affection may think it is okay to find a friend who can meet the needs his wife is not meeting provided he is not sexually unfaithful.

Friendship is basically all about being comfortable enough to communicate with one another. Only communication can provide emotional security and thus a relationship can only truly work where communication abounds.

Without conversation, the warm atmosphere, the deep physical relationship each partner needs could never be maintained. And here lies the danger.

When a partner in marriage finds this warm atmosphere and understanding from outside the marriage, the goal posts slowly move ground. The emotional security that only a partner can provide is derived from another party, who is willing to commit their time for the friendship.

People call this third party, ‘just friend’, insisting that there is nothing between them that could possibly destroy the marriage. But this is only true in the beginning of such a friendship. With time, the married party begins to resent their partner, wishing they had married their friend instead. As they share their problems and discussing the marriage, the other party is often tempted to play the messiah, offering a shoulder to cry on, and a tissue to wipe the tears — this develops into what psychologists call emotional affairs. The friendship becomes like a little heaven to escape from the reality of one’s marriage, and since the friend offers them emotional security, there is no reason why with time, they will not give in to them sexually. Sadly a lot of people don’t enter such friendships with the intention of having an affair, and that blinds them from the lurking danger.

Instinct spoke to three victims of an emotional affair turned adulterous but all of whom are now making amends.

‘Just friends’ is risky

Njeri remembers how dating Kamau was one long conversation. On days when they could not be together in person, they often talked on the phone, sometimes for an hour or more. They rarely planned formal dates, because their real interest lay in seeing and talking with each other.

"But after we got married, everything changed and we suddenly had nothing to say to teach other. Kamau became suddenly introverted and no effort from me could make him talk as heartily as he used to," she offers.

Now, the two frequently spent time with Tom and Mwende another married couple in the neighbourhood. Tom, Njeri noticed had the habit of directing his conversation to her. He seemed not to have any problem thinking of things to talk about. Over a period of time, Njeri found that getting together with Tom and Mwende had become a high point in her life. Tom would always listen attentively and did a great job of holding up his half of the conversation. "We became best friends confiding in each other about our marriages and life in general." Njeri then began meeting Tom privately without informing her husband. When friends questioned the relationship, she would reply: "We are just best friends, that’s all". Within weeks of their private meetings, Njeri and Tom were having sex. "I felt it was unfair to deny him because of a man (her husband) who did not even care. He too complained that his wife was always thinking about their children and so he was lonely." But after several escapades, she reasoned they were not doing right and called it off. Their family visits to each other died with the affair.

the emotional connection

Otieno first met Kendy, a divorced woman at the primary school their children attended. At first all they did was exchange greetings. But after meeting at parents’ day, prize giving day, sports day and swimming gala, the ‘hello’ developed into deeper conversation. They arranged for lunch dates and Otieno slowly began to reveal his feelings of distress about his marriage. His wife Jane was a career woman who did not cook, clean, look after the children, talk to him or spend any time with him. When they did talk, his wife would always put him down, never encouraging him. All she did was spend all her time in the office trying to climb the co-operate ladder. Even worse, she was always travelling. He was always taking care of the children, and the few times she was around, she got home after 10pm to tired for intimacy.

Otieno told Instinct that his meetings with Kendy were so uplifting. "She listened and empathised," he said, and then she would recount the painful details of her divorce. Each time they saw each other, private intimations were exchanged, deepening an emotional connection that finally sizzled with an underlying sexual tension although they pretended it did not exist.

Otieno justified his relationship with Kendy saying she understood him more than his wife. One day, he got into a heated phone exchange with his wife after she called to say she will not be available for their wedding anniversary. That same day, he went to see Kendy to release the tension, and ended up having sex with her. It went on for a year before his wife saw the mess their marriage was getting into and slowed down on her career.

What first attracted Naliaka to Kipruto was that he was handsome, strong and a very openly affectionate man. While dating, he would send her flowers, hold her hand whenever they were together, text her throughout the day with messages of love. He would always want to know about her day and also loved to tell her about his day.

Behind the affection

After they got married the affection Kipruto once showed her slowly died down. At work, Naliaka was transferred to a new department and there she met Odhiambo, a warm and affable man who loved everyone. Odhiambo had a habit of draping his arm over the shoulder of whomever he walked with, both male and female alike. He was just a friendly guy who everyone loved. Naliaka noticed that she started looking forward to Odhiambo’s occasional hugs. They always made her feel good, warm and loved. He would also always tell her she was a beautiful woman and always noticed whenever she changed her hairstyle or whenever she made an effort to look nice. This made her despise her husband who no longer seemed to care about her looks and rarely complimented her. When Kipruto was busy forgetting her birthday and other special occasions, Odhiambo would bring her a bouquet of flowers for no apparent reason.

Naliaka soon started opening up to Odhiambo about her life and he reciprocated by listening and also telling her about his life. After a while Naliaka began to crave and could not imagine living without the gentle affection and attention she received from Odhiambo. As Naliaka’s relationship with Odhiambo blossomed, she found herself hating her husband for not being more like her new best friend.

Weeks went by, and one day they found themselves alone in the office after everyone else had left for the day. That was the first of many intimate escapades until Odhiambo transferred to another town.

The reason why people fall into the trap of an emotional affair is because they are basically looking for emotional nourishment at a level they are not getting in their primary relationship (marriage). But do not be fooled or try to fool anyone; an emotional affair is like stepping on hot charcoal and expecting not to get burnt because where the heart is, the body will eventually follow.