Photo shoot: 10 ways to spot a Form Four leaver

 You’ll meet your sons and daughters in poses struck by horny millipedes.

There will shortly be an epidemic of Form Four leavers in town. They just cleared high school. They have a world of possibilities ahead of them. They are impressionable, wide-eyed and just about to go wild tasting the fruits of freedom.

They will give parents headaches in the months leading to college and university admission. But young and with a lot of energy, you can easily spot them, since most estates no longer have community grounds for sports.

Here are 10 ways to spot a Form Four leaver:

1. Parliament of friends

Like politicians, they subscribe to a pumbafu group ideology; petty disagreements and coalitions around the hood. They sing together, steal together, gossip together and think alike.

In case your son or daughter is trendy or has an obtuse sense of reality, he or she might be the speaker of such a parliament.

2. Netizens

Netizens are ever on social media platforms like Facebook, Twitter or Instagram. Being idle, but dying to be noticed, Form Four leavers always comment on posts, which they also like and share.

They will thus demand expensive cell phones before pestering parents for bundles.

3. Mpasho!

They know about that song by Willy Paul that guys are kicking a fuss about. They know exactly when OB and Miss Sidika ate their ‘guava’ raw.

And while Form Four leavers can put up a solid argument complete with diagrams, statistics and research on the lives of Kenyan ‘celebrities,’ if you asked one of these mpasho fellows to list five functions of a windsock, their windpipes will be clogged by uncertainty!

4. Odi dancers

Do the words bazenga, empress or fadhela ring a bell? If they don’t, you’re old school. A bazenga is a cool guy. Denzel Washington like.

They wear ankle-length tight trousers, go for reggae on Sundays and chew miraa like bored goats at Kia-Michael market. Parents, if any of these refers to your kids, dial 991 and have the courts issue a restraining order!

5. Photo shoot

Kids are idle, smart phones are available, data bundles are cheap and Instagram is here. Take a walk on Instagram come Monday.

You’ll meet your sons and daughters in poses struck by horny millipedes. And why shouldn’t they, Form Four leavers are adults, right?

6. Msanii

Form Four leavers are anti-barber shops. Long hair will go well with a pair of torn jeans, a denim shirt, black rubber shoes that sport a white line, making him or her a spoken word artist. Or an aspiring rapper. The ones with money will buy a guitar, ever strapped on their backs while singing out of tune, lying to ignorant girls that, “Mimi ni msanii.”

7. Paint the town red

Form Four leavers are high on raging hormones after four years of ukame. Don’t be cheated when you see your daughter hanging around the house with well-groomed boys which you permit as a misguided part of modern parenting.

She’s doing the things you used to do: painting the town red when you are away!

8. Fake pharaohs

There’s a spring in the walk of a Form Four leaver. A flash of smile that radiates short-lived confidence and triumph. One that says, you know, I’ve done it. Finally killed monocotyledons and algebra, and they begged for mercy before I spat in their eyes and took their heads.

Look outside your window and your eyes will land on one or two. They walk around like pharaohs. All knowing. Learned. Proud. Happy. 

9. Smoking pot

The cooler ones call it ‘vaping.’ The normal ones call it ‘stoning’, the riffraff call it kuiva. And since weed is illegal, they go about it secretly, but you can tell when they stare at their parents and whisper, “Wewe ni wetu…gota!”

10. Online sheep

You can tell a Form Four leaver from the grammar in their online posts. It’s usually truncated and might not make sense to those who voted for retired President Moi: ‘xaxa’ is not Xhosa, but greetings, meaning ‘sasa.’

If the grammar is okay, then their profile photos will change thrice a day.

 November is the hustle month and we are all about youngins making their money, and we need your help. Do you know of any young person in school/campus who is running a hustle that absolutely deserves to be celebrated? Drop us an email on: [email protected]