It is the season of campus politics and everyone is out to prove themselves. I have always found campus politics scandalous, exhausting and bombastic. Campus politicians are a great representation of the country’s politicians: loud, flashy and liars without shame. Here is how to be a campus politician:
Own a hoard of women or goons
If you are male, have a hoard of women that sing your praises to everyone and everything. Those votes will come in handy. For the ladies, it helps if you have big bad goons on your team. It creates a false sense of security and will work to intimidate your opponents. Of course the goons will pimp you out to their leader once you fail.
Claim to know a politician
Name-drop. Do all the showboating you can. It is even more effective if you have a selfie with them. It does not matter whether it is a group selfie and you are ten kilometers from them. Let them the world know that you take tea with said politician. They will ooh and aah. They will never know that you get ignored more than a broke man trying to woo a slay-queen.
Flashy suits and clothes
If you want to be recognised, you will have to look and dress the part. It doesn’t matter whether you inherited the suit from your ancestors or whether you got those shoes from the streets. As always, ensure you take a million and one photographs for campaign posters and tag the entire country on social media.
Buy cheap liquor and food
Comrades are the hungriest people you will ever meet. This is the easiest way to get their votes. Treat a particular influential group to a meal in a kibanda and have them compose songs about you. You could also go the whole way and wet their throats with cheap liquor. They will get high and put you in the high seat.
Empty promises
Employ the same tired narrative used by other students while campaigning. Defend a student in trouble with the administration. Lead the call for reforms. When the media comes to your school, ensure you give them a quote and when the school calls for a debate show up with a list of ridiculous and weightless promises. Some all-time favourites include: ‘’I will improve the state of accommodation’’, ‘’I will ensure we have a pool’’ and, ‘’Missing marks will be a thing of the past.’’
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