Kenyan men are struggling to get rid of their Kalewa, lazy bones and wannabe girlfriends

Kenyan women are good at describing the kind of men they want in their lives.

From the cliché tall, dark and handsome, to short but moneyed or hunky mzungu from Yugoslavia, they make clear their taste.

Similarly, the sons of Abraham have preferences but many are bonding with women different from what they yearn for.

The have damsels they are struggling to ditch them. Sample these;

 

1.     Desperado

These ones are out to accomplish big feats in the shortest time. She wasted her youth boozing and sampling men, now she wants to be tamed and enjoy the success of a man who sacrificed leisure to build a life.

Desperado is the hunted turned hunter. She chases a man and once she has him, she makes him a kuku funga. Some spend a pretty dollar to “ trap” these men.

 

2.     Kalewa

She drinks everything and more than her father does. Yaani thirsty like a V8 engine.

Her fake life revolves around bingeing. Asking erotic men for a Vasha and NaxVegas trip to guzzle the liquor like the world is ending. She knows more alcohol brands than number of prominent Kenyans.

 

3.     Lazy bones

If there was a machine that washes humans, she could buy one to avoid the trip to the bathroom. She is extremely lazy, and spends time on phone or bingeing.

The sluggard hires mama fua to do laundry, clean utensils and sometimes cook. When her man visits, she orders ready food. All she cares about is her long nails, skin and leisure.

 

4.     Crook

Whenever she visits something always goes missing. She empties the wallet, fridge and wardrobe. She does not spare your friends and relatives.

She is the kind who asks for money claiming she was mugged, their matatu got carjacked or lost Shosh wa Buru Buru.

Ni gaidi good at ‘cleaning’ the house once you dump her and can hire goons to ‘caress’ you.

5.     Insecure

When you fail to pick her calls or answer her text, she goes mad claiming that you are cheating on her.

This insecure damsel wants to know your every step and your relationship with female friends on Facebook.

She treats every woman as a threat particularly the waiter in your favourite local. She will get furious because you shared a seat with a young woman in a matatu.

She reads a lot in your new perfume or the new style between the sheets.

 

6.     The unlucky

It is as if gods conspired against her. She was brought up in a good way, is educated and docile but ill-starred.

Everything she gets escapes through her fingers faster than it came. Suitors and good things in life duck her.

 

7.     Cheater

She is a taster. One on a mission to break the world’s record of body counts.

Some compliments, invite for a drink or a dance by a stranger, the encounter ends between the sheets. They indiscriminately sample the short, tall, old, young, huge, thin, dark and light-skinned.

Such ‘players’ are feared by even the amorous Brayo and Kevo.

 

8.     Wannabe

The type full of wild dreams; always fantasising about a life out of this world.

She has nothing to offer but eyes a man who can buy her a top-of-the-range car, home in Runda and spoils her with holiday trips to Dubai and Zanzibar.

She dates the struggling Daniel who offers her booze outings and good ride in bed but she is ever dreaming;

 

9.     Clueless

The type you may think lives in planet Mars. She is unacquainted with her surrounding. She does not know who are the running mates of the leading two presidential contenders.

Men find her boring as she can’t sustain an “intellectual” discussion . She is clueless about politics, cars, women and sports.

But she is good as celeb gossip.

 

10.             Chatterbox

The kind you feel like pushing some rag into her mouth to get some peace.

Always talking. Only sleep mutes her.

Her stories are stale; simply, crap and interestingly such women rarely get a flu or tonsillitis to mute them for some days.