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How to weather tough times

THE UNDERWORLD
By | August 3rd 2011

WITH JOHN GEREZANI

There is no better place for learning basic survival instincts than in neti and it is even surprising that the ingenuity borrows heavily from the stone age and is propagated by guys who have spent the better part of their lives locked behind bars.

With the hard economic times you are facing or are bound to go through one day in life, it is only fair and just that I pick for you some of the best, which can see you scrape through the rough tides.

1.    You are stone-broke, your power has been disconnected for non-payment of bills and you have heavily borrowed paraffin from the local grocery store leaving your credit worthiness with a dent, yet you have to eat.  Simply get some old pieces of paper or tissue paper, take some cooking fat and spread liberally on the paper.  Roll it into a tube and light it up.  You are ready to make a meal.

2.    But just a minute.  How do you light up yet you don’t have a lighter or matchbox and it’s too late in the night to go borrowing from your neighbour?  Easy does it.  Get some old clothes and hew into very small pieces.  If possible, extricate the fibres only.  Next, get a discarded Kiwi tin and pack the material in it.  Get a piece of metal and flick it on the floor to get some sparks. Ensure the scraping is hard and consistent enough to get the sparks flying into the tin where upon contact with the fibre, will get some fire started.  Fan it until it lights up.

3.    Should you not have enough chwaa for sukuma wiki, go to the nearest school whenever githeri or beans is cooked and asked for githui (soup).  Ensure that you put in enough salt into the mix and serve the lads.  It’s not only more nutritious than the expensive sukuma wiki, but it also helps them produce enough CO2 to help green plants in your garden to grow.

4.    Are you bushy and you don’t have chwaa to visit your local barber?  Get that razor blade and a teens-comb.  Leverage it properly on the edge of the comb, moisturise your hair with water and glide it through for a neat shave. Depending on how you want the style to fade out on the fringes, you only need to move the blade nearer or further to and from the edge of the comb.  That will guarantee your skin against bumps and accidental cuts.  What’s more, no one will differentiate your shave with that of your kinyozi wa stima.

5.    Do you stay in a bilharzia or cholera prone area with the attendant challenges of getting safe drinking water? Get some water in bottles and expose it to the sunlight the whole day.  Even though it will be warm, it will be safe for drinking since all the pathogens will be history. That’s how we play it safe.

6.    In case you live in a single room, and you are too broke to afford any wall unit or corner unit, simply weave cute ropes using the plastic papers used for packaging bread.  They are sturdy enough to withstand all kinds of pressure. Use glue to attach the ropes onto the wall and put sheets of cardboard in between to make shelves. You can use the same style to make hammocks for your kidoz if you can’t afford a double-decker bed.

C’mon chaps, I will fill you in on the others soon and remember that I’ve saved the best for last.  You, therefore, have absolutely no reason to break the bank or go into doing dishonourable things just because you are broke. 

These tips are tailored to help you survive as you re-organise yourself and your finances. You may think that they are demeaning, but that’s how we warm our food after these smarters took away our electrical appliances.  Did I say food? 

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