An intimate friend for my fiancee?

By Nyambura MainaI met and fell in love with my fiancÈe in college. After college she proceeded to do her masters. She got employed before she could complete her second degree and so I got to spend more time with her. I even asked for a month’s leave from my job so that I would be with her as she reported to her work destination miles away. She confessed to cheating on me once when she was away. I was disappointed and angry. But after a while I decided to forgive her. I got transferred for a year to work in a foreign country. She agreed that she could handle my absence without hurting our relationship. Barely three months later, she told me she missed me and asked me to choose one of my trusted friends to ‘take care of her’ for the time that we are apart. Will it be right to do that? I am in a dilemma and cannot handle losing her. Kindly advice. Raymond CheruiyotBeing apart can put a strain on any relationship. Even though it is said that ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’, the truth is that many long distance relationships have to overcome hurdles to do with issues of trust and commitment. Those couples that do endure this have to be persevering and 100 per cent committed to the relationship. The level of commitment of your fiancÈe to a monogamous relationship has been wanting and evidence of this comes in her request to have one of your friends ‘take care of her’. In other words, she wants an open relationship whereby she can date other men and still proceed with her wedding plans with you.Open relationships where both parties involved choose other partners to be with, need the consent of both parties to work well. If you are the jealous type and possessive of your partner, you will ensnare yourself in a lifetime of angry outbursts and uncontrollable fits of rage. This is enhanced even more if you consume alcoholic beverages. The chances of doing something regrettable during such lapses of sanity are high.Ask yourself, therefore, if you are ready to go down this road with this woman. By her own admission, she has indicated that she would like to be intimate with other men. Even if it turns out to be a friend that you can ‘trust’, he will nevertheless still be another man. The fact that you are considering her request suggests that you are ready to do anything to hold onto her. It means that she has a strong hold on you and you are defenceless against it. Rein in those emotions that have you in a state of no control. You leave yourself open to a lot of manipulation and disappointment when you make others responsible for how you feel. You are responsible for your emotions and subsequent behaviour. In addition, do not be fooled into thinking that you can change your fiancÈe by having her stay near you. Decide what is best for you by determining whether you can handle her request or not.Common counselCompromising solutionThe solution lies in the two of you being in one place together. You cannot satisfy her needs if you are not together. Therefore, one of you should give up your job so that you can salvage you relationship. If you make more money than she does, then tell her to quit her job and you will provide for her. ‘Loaning’ her one of your good friends might end in disaster because she might get hooked to him and forget about you.Hans, 48Other fish in the seaHow many women are out there that are looking for husbands? There are plenty to choose from. For you to be so stuck to one lady must mean that you are totally obsessed with her. Obsessions are not healthy and can make a person crazy and even consider suicide if rejected. Look for another fiancÈe, Raymond. I can promise you that the wait will not be a long one.Simon GithinjiAt your own riskShe has you wrapped round her little finger and you continue to do her bidding even when it hurts you. She will not stop being unfaithful to you. What happens if you give in to her request? The vision of her being with one of your friends will be unbearable. And what is supposed to happen once the two of you are reunited? Are you and your buddy still going to remain friends? Working out these details sounds too overwhelming. You are the one taking all the risks while she suffers none.Sheila, 34Honesty is the bestContinue to plan your life together because your fiancÈe is obviously someone who is always honest with you. She told you when she was unfaithful and that means she will never hide anything from you. As your wife you can trust her to tell you the truth. This is far more enviable than being with a woman who hides such matters from you. If you are not comfortable sharing her with your pal, then find a way to visit each other more frequently.Farida, 26Let go of herYour fiancÈe has never been and will never be true to you. For her to confess her unfaithfulness without your inquiring raises eyebrows. She wants to know how you would react if you caught her red handed in her game. I think she is already sleeping with your best friend and now they are just looking for your permission to come out of hiding. Stop wasting your time.John Opohn She’s a swingerRaymond, I have never heard of anything like this! Your fiancÈe first cheats on you and you let it pass, perhaps because of your devotion to her. You are transferred and before that she pledges her commitment to you — which is the expected thing anyway. Now, if after only three months away she wants someone else, there is no telling what else will crop up. And how will you begin asking your friend to do this assignment, anyway? This kind of thing only happens to members of swing clubs, which I think you are too decent for. This lady does not belong with you, so do not worry about losing her. Run man, run! InnocentMove in togetherRaymond, the relationship belongs to you and her and not a third party. A relationship is about caring and protecting each other. You can best do this if you move in together. You will also be avoiding trouble. Caleb ChauroCompanionship is keyIt is tempting but risky to choose a friend to take such a sensitive position. It’s like having a dog to look after fresh meat. A serious relationship leading to marriage should be based on companionship, not just the use of electronic media to convey messages. Make plans to work in the same geographical area.Erick Dianga

An intimate friend for my fiancee?

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