Kenyan men make all kinds of husbands. From the wapole ones, the noisy ones to those who live in a world of their own! Here are 10 types of husbands:
1. Community husband
His family resides in a rented apartment in Ongata Rongai, yet his vests, boxers and shirts are in other women's houses in Juja, Umoja and Kinangop. He leaves home every Thursday and resurfaces on Monday evening, in fresh clothes, tired as a lazy mosquito. This sort gets drunk and sips from the mug of adultery the whole weekend, whether or not they've been salaried.
This is the one that won't let his mother visit since his wife can't stand the 'monster-in-law.' Pumbafu husbands fear their wives so much than their own mothers, who gave them nyonyo, can't drop by with malenge, termites and avocado from shags. In the words of Atwoli, SHENZI!
3. Mr Insecurity
This is the type who will check on the wife 60 times in day, asking her to turn on the video call. You will hear the wife trembling saying; "Ghai! Baba Davy is almost calling... I need to rush home." They will not allow their wives to enjoy a weekend of gossip, laughter, pombe and adultery.
4. Cold treatment
Help me understand this. Why would a man have a wife, pay rent, sort out house bills, punish his kids when they fart loudly and when he gets home from the pub at two in the morning, his missus refuses to open the door and the man-child sleeps in the cold? Any Nairobi husband enduring the cold treatment? If so, drop us a mail.
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5. One minute man
We have Nairobi husbands whose wives sleep with anything in trousers and everyone in the neighbourhood knows it except him. Well, in most cases, it is because game yake iko down.
6. Miss Mboch chewers
We've Nairobi husbands whose mere stare or gaze at a mboch makes the baby girl go jigi jigi. These are sharp shooters, when they aim at your house girl, they don't miss. While other husbands are buying parcels of land in Ruai, these ones are busy playing hide and seek with house girls in the neighbourhood.
You have to be very careful around this type. They go to church. Kiss their kids goodnight and appear polite and suave. They are always friendly to their neighbours, yet in the background, they break the seventh, eighth and tenth commandments. They commit adultery, steal the wives of others and covet their neighbour's slay queen and miraculously as they do all this, their marriages never break. Which god do these lucky men worship? Belzebul or Baal?
The tittle says it all, though we can't all be winners, some career wives won themselves lazy bums for husbands. The wife buys his underwear, toothbrush, cigarettes, alcohol, condoms and socks. She buys, fuels and services his car. Heck! She even pays fees for the husband's siblings and takes care of the family. It's not that bad though, is it not written 'and the two shall become one in holy matrimony?' And what a man can do, a woman can do, right?
9. Hidden in the closet
Women, your husband could be gay. It's not bad. The president said it's a non-issue, or how do you see it? He might be the ideal man: folds his socks, pays all the bills without complaining and accompanies you to those get-togethers. Let's just say he's too good to be true, yet the truth you are yet to know is that your main man is a 'girlfriend' to another man.
10. Battered and lonely
The wife beats ushenzi out of him. Research indicates that every 37th second, a man is mistreated and abused by a woman. Our city hosts a host of good men whose wives charaza them like they do their kids. And the sad thing is that this men act macho and strong only to deflate when their kids, in front of his friends and colleague, say, 'Mom alisema usiongee na mama Nel, atakuchapa kama ile siku.'