Hit? I only wanted to heat Harold

Not even our current low temperatures can stop politicians from being hot on the heels of one another with the sole mission of undoing what their competitors are doing.

It is, however, becoming increasingly impossible for the electorate to give them a warm welcome.

With a month to go to the elections, the finest of propaganda, which has been cooking in our local boilers for years, is now ready to dish out. Sensing defeat, both horses that will come second and third in the elections are teaming up to nullify the threat of yours truly.

The dipping temperatures mean the elections might not be as hotly contested as earlier anticipated, and this has caused fear in rival camps.

So much so that a recording has been produced of yours truly threatening to hit Harold when he hesitated to heed Kinuthia’s advice to disband the Electoral Commission and scatter the Judiciary.

Political analysts in my village have come out guns blazing, claiming that I am cocky and I need to be “taught some manners”.

“If he can threaten to hit his uncle and our supreme leader, who we will beat in August, what can he do to the rest of us?” Clarissa said on a campaign trail.

I defended myself, saying that the utterances were said at a time of the year as this when it was very cold and I needed to heat Harold.

I am a caring man and admitted the only reason I would not heat him is that, as was recorded in the evidence, I am cool and hence lacked heating abilities.

As they say here in my village, negative publicity is the finest publicity. When Paul, my cousin, went to the shopping centre that same evening, he realised that everyone was talking about me.

“It shows that Pete cannot hesitate to correct even when it involves his senior. He will transform the village,” an inebriated elder told his peers.

To call me a transformer is a little too ambitious, even if I am known for being the village’s best hope of restoring power whenever there is an outage, often caused by myself and a few hired boys who are loyalists to the leading horse.

When the next opinion polls came, I was leading. The hit-or-heat comments (depending on whose side you are) had given me such a huge boost. Never mind that the polls are prepared by my boys.

I should also add that when I encouraged Harold to change the Electoral Commission and the Judiciary at the time the recording was taken, it was because I knew that I was the best candidate to lead both, which I now do.

The propagandists have also been faulting me for not performing in Harold’s government despite living with him in the same house.

Harold, however, beats us hands down when it comes to advising people on surviving the tough economic times. He has asked them to stop eating ugali and instead feed on vermin, which will keep away possible famine.