Sue is abroad seeking support

Although Clarissa is back home, her people have never forgotten how my uncle Harold, who in his church preaches wine and drinks the same, did to their daughter.

If you remember, Harold, who was a rich young man with a big appetite for petite ladies and black avocados visited Clarissa’s village and when he drove back in his jalopy, he left the lady expectant.

When she came back to my uncle in December, flanked by her people and her son Paul, Harold thought the ghosts of Rachuta, Clarissa’s village, had vanished forever. Until this past week.

Local media, which is made up of yours truly and a few reporters who are usually all over the place, discovered that Harold’s chief competitor, Sue, who is also Harold’s estranged girlfriend and thus my aunt, had left the village with a delegation. She had gone to Rachuta.

We sent one of our best detectives, one of them our mole in Sue’s camp, to go and collect intel. The informer, Paul, who is easily ignored by Sue’s people because of his rather harmless age (he is just 11) helps us gather information. People can say anything in his presence unaware he has a recorder in his pocket.

They usually assume he understands just a little, but in truth, he does not understand anything. We, therefore, send Kinuthia to accompany him, now that Kinuthia is thought to be a man who does not think outside the box. We do not send him to think. We send him to complement the recorder.

In Rachuta, Sue said she feared the elections would be rigged in August. She told the leaders of Rachuta democracy was now on trial in Gitegi. This statement is not entirely factual; democracy has been on trial in Gitegi since I was born.

“How then,” she asked, “can I continue using money on my campaigns when there is, clearly, a predetermined winner?”

The leaders asked her what they can do and she did not know exactly what they were supposed to do, which I was told devastated her. She regretted not tagging me along, but then she should not have because I support Harold and when I am not, I am thinking of how to be the third horse in the August 9 race.

But if I were there, I might not have been of much help. Rachuta was unable to take care of our princess Clarissa, how can such a country even extend us loans in the first place? The best I would have done is tell them away and label Sue’s speech hot air.

Next, Sue spoke to the diaspora investors. Those are the men and women who have or should have, invested in Gitegi. There was a lot at stake in the elections, she said, and should these people not be afraid their investments were unsafe with Harold?

It happens the only people who have invested in Gitegi are Clarissa’s people; they gave us their daughter who adorns Harold’s courts and wears his coats.

“If we let Harold win, be certain you and many others will come and take away everything we have because Harold lives on debt. He does not payback.”

At this, she produced Harold’s cassock, which she has held for one month as collateral for alcohol Harold was unable to pay for.

I am told Clarissa’s family nodded, perhaps agreeing it was time they came for their daughter, whose son was in the hall listening to Sue’s speech.

Soon, reports started emerging Sue had even met the emir of Rachuta, a statement I have since faulted. We do not need photoshop in Gitegi. We only need Kinuthia’s word. He is a man of very little creativity and will barely say anything outside of the truth.

Our plan is to counter Sue by taking a trip to the same village once she returns back home. In light of this, Clarissa might be the ideal running mate for Harold, at least for now.