It’s a three-horse race election

Harold is yet to give an official statement condemning what is happening between Russia and Ukraine, but I trust he will take my advice and speak out in the course of the week. For even as I plan on how to sabotage him and compete for the top seat, I remain his chief adviser and campaigner.

Tough wars are being waged in the political battlefields, both in my beloved village and in the country. I had told Harold there was a likelihood the national ruling party was going to merge with the official opposition, but he ignored it. Until it happened towards the end of last week and left him shaken.

Harold, whose red cassock has been confiscated by Sue due to his growing debt, called in a crisis meeting that involved all his top advisers, who include me, myself and I. He also called in his top spy, Paul and the potential first lady, Clarissa for the meeting.

“Does it mean, ladies and gentleman, that if today Sue comes and joins hands with me we can defeat whoever it is that is running against us?” he asked.

He gave me the stare that tells me he considers me a traitor. Had Kinuthia, I wondered, the man who confesses, like Winnie The Pooh, to not have much brain, gone to Harold to inform him that we had a plan to run as the third force?

I told Harold that he was right: joining forces with Sue meant that he would win the August elections.

“The pertinent question here, however, is how much power shall you have? Do you want serikali ya nusu mkate?” I asked.

If you want Harold to reconsider, mention food. And the mention of mkate was all he needed to jump onto his feet.

“I am not sharing anything. I will not allow that to happen,” he screamed.

Only it does not make sense for him to insist he would not share. Harold, who is only sober a third of the day, cannot claim to have run the government all on his own since he was first elected. Yours truly, who revels in managerial incompetence, has often been the man responsible for the horrible running of our local government, while all the blame goes to Harold.

But again, it is the condemnation and pressure from the opposition that keeps Harold focused in the little way he is. Otherwise, Gitegi would be run worse than a mill.

There we sat watching one of us eat as we came up with ideas. Why would a ruling party combine with the opposition? If that is the case, does it mean that the third candidate, until then seen as a donkey, gets elevated into a horse? Should the decisions of the party leader rope every party member in? Should Harold approach Sue or should he wait for Sue to approach him?

It was yours truly, as usual, who came up with the answer. We could use the media to influence decisions. So the media was going to announce that Harold was planning a merger with Sue.

I knew the kind of questions the public was going to ask: who was this strong candidate these two feared this much as to form a merger? Was the candidate this good that two infamously wicked leaders were merging to defeat him?

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is my chance to appear as a third force in this contest and, by creating a public perception that I am the one feared candidate, I can pita katikati yao.

As you know, I am the media in Gitegi. Soon, I would have managed to pass information that was likely to turn the tide in my favour. I might not be the donkey in this race. It seems we have three horses, for once.