How can parents marry different parenting styles?

A mum training her child. (Photo:Courtesy)

By PETER MUIRURI

John and Agnes Wandera are parents to three children aged eleven, eight and five. For the first few years in their parenting roles, they constantly gave contradictory instructions to their children. With time, one child became reclusive, while the other two became overly familiar with them — two extremes the couple was not prepared for. Though they have since ‘tuned in’ to each other’s parenting style, they still find it challenging to be in sync on every occasion.

Like this couple, many parents have been victims of indecision when it comes to issuing domestic instructions. They vacillate between several parenting styles, depending on each one’s moods and state of mind.

In the African setup, parenting styles are largely based on instincts, or the way the parents were raised, which are usually not the perfect barometers.

Some parents are overly authoritarian and issue orders that are to be followed without question. These ones give no reasons for the rules, and any questioning from the children is met with a ‘because I said so’ kind of retort. Failure to toe the line often results in some form of punishment.

Experts say children raised in this manner end up disengaged from the family setup, and consult their inexperienced peers about issues rather than face their strict parents.

At the other end of the spectrum are the permissive types that give in to every whim and demand from the children. This category rarely enforces any type of discipline, and tends to expect the least from their children.

How can parents strike the right balance when it comes to parenting styles?

According one marriage counselor, children know how to exploit any apparent gap within the family arrangement. They can easily tell the difference between an authoritarian parent and a permissive one from an early age.

“Parents can unknowingly undermine each other through their individual parenting styles. If one issues one directive and the other contradict it, it can have a detrimental effect on the whole family. At the very least, it can erode the respect due to a parent,” says Grace Muranga, a marriage counselor.

Grace says such indiscretion can be seen even in seemingly small matters such as TV viewing regulations. For example, the father may direct the children not to watch television during the day. However, the mother may want to watch a particular programme, and use the children as the scapegoat, only telling them to switch the set off when her husband is about to get home.

SUPERMAN

“Such children will have no respect for the father who is supposed to be an authority figure. Young children usually grow up thinking their father is the toughest person around; their hero.  He is stronger than everyone, and is their idea of ‘superman’. Any contradictory message confuses them,” she says.

The converse is also true. A father who belittles his wife in front of the children is sowing seeds of disrespect in their young hearts. Many have heard disparaging remarks like “I am not your mother” being hurled at a child who requests a ‘menial service’ from the father.  Such a remark teaches the child that the mother is the lesser parent, and the one who handles less important duties.

“As much as the father is the ultimate decision-maker and head of the family, he should never criticise the mother’s authority openly. When boys in such a family grow up and have families of their own, they will likely treat their wives the same way their mother was treated by their father. No parent should ‘shine’ by putting the other down; they should play complimentary roles, like partners in a company,” Grace says.

Sue Muraya, a director at Suraya Property Group and a mother of four, says it is important for parents to speak in one voice lest the children suffer for the inconsistency. She says children are clever enough to use the ‘divide and rule’ tactic. As an example, she says any request coming from a child has to be discussed with the other parent before giving any answer.

“The children were initially impatient with us, but came to accept that we speak in only one voice. They would make a request to the parent who looked busy, thinking that he or she had little time to think the matter through. In such a case, we would tell them to wait for the appropriate time to consult. So consistent were we that one child even asked me whether I had to discuss every single request with my husband,” says Sue.

On the other hand, she adds, parents must also see the children as persons with individual personalities, and who also need some leeway and initiative to grow their abilities. She adds that though there are lines that should not be crossed; parents can learn to balance firmness with flexibility.

“The atmosphere in the home should be friendly, and children should be free to approach the parents. They should also know that making mistakes is human and part of the learning process. Such confidence will make them come to you without fear of retribution,” she says.

According to Psychology Today magazine, each parent needs the support of the other, even if they have different viewpoints.

Children should know that though parents have distinct personalities, they are a single unit when it comes to parenting.  Any differences should never be played out in front of the children.

“Help your spouse know that you value what he or she is trying to do for your children. Express genuine appreciation for his or her desire to affirm or influence your children. Point out specific ways you can see that your children have benefited from having him or her as a parent,” says the magazine.

Ian Mbugua and his family. (Photo: COURTESY/STANDARD)

IAN MBUGUA: A FATHER’S REFLECTIONS

Parents adopt different parenting styles because of ignorance. Today’s parents, particularly fathers, are clueless when it comes to dealing with children.

Gone are the days when the whip was the only solution. Today’s children are better informed in the ways of the world, and will not respond to whipping. They know their rights, and will often challenge parents, ready to argue their case.

Parents need to listen to and understand their children. Just because a neighbour ‘straightened’ their errant son using a belt does not mean I can do the same with mine.

Many mothers threaten to ‘tell Dad’ when children misbehave. This shows the child that mum is powerless. Thus, the child will take advantage of that ‘weakness’ during their father’s absence.

Parents should never use a threat they cannot follow through. “I’ll ground you for a week!” Then, two days later, the child is out again.

Parents need to be there for their children, especially in the formative years. I’m a true believer in the principle, ‘bring up a child in the way he should go, and when he grows up he will not depart from it.’

Be the one to teach your children good morals. Lead by example; don’t expect them not to use foul language when you use it freely.

Don’t keep referring to how you were brought up. That was a different world. You couldn’t argue with your parent, but today’s children will talk back.

Parents need to discuss issues and agree on what to do, not, “If it’s okay with dad, it’s okay with me.” The child will tell dad how mum said it was alright.

Parents also need to stop trying to win their children’s affection by allowing them to do what the other parent won’t allow.

Parenting requires teamwork. Each parent has a role to play; communication is vital. There’s a lot of give and take. Parents should allow children to make mistakes and learn from them. They need to help children understand that choices have consequences.