Who the hell did I marry?

By LUCY MARONCHA

“It is not lack of love, but lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages,” Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche, a German philosopher of the late 19th Century said.
While settling down in marriage is among the best things that can happen to a couple in love, it is sad that nowadays, many marriages do not survive to see their first anniversary, though there are great expectations of the proverbial ‘happily ever after’.
One of the reasons for this unfortunate trend is that some people discover they are married to strangers. While it is expected that one will find out some unexpected things about their partner after tying the knot, some discoveries are shocking, to say the least.
Take the case of Bridget. She met a ‘good’ man at a friend’s birthday party, and soon they were dating. A year later, the two had a small party, inviting only their closest friends and relatives, and moved in together.
Bob had told Bridget that he worked for an airline. Indeed, he had the uniform to prove it, and even introduced her to some of his ‘colleagues’. They lived in a nice neighbourhood, and he often went ‘abroad’, bringing his wife beautiful gifts when he returned.
It was only several months later, when Bob was shot during a robbery in the city centre, that Bridget discovered the truth: Her handsome ‘flight attendant’ was a wanted gangster.“How would I have been so blind?” she wondered.
A better question might be how to look for criminal tendencies in someone whose living is dependent on deceit. Like Rhoda, whose husband is a pickpocket. This is not how he introduced himself six years ago, though; he described himself as a businessman, and dressed in the smart suits befitting such a position.
It turns out he is in the business of raiding other people’s pockets, mostly in the city streets and buses. Had it not been for the day he was arrested and could not find any of his accomplices to bail him out, Rhoda would never have known the truth.

BOMBSHELLS

Even when experts take their time to counsel engaged parties, marriage has proven to be a bed of anxiety and bombshells. Many spouses have only had their eyes opened when something beyond repair has happened. Like an old saying goes, no one is truly married until they understand every word their spouses are NOT saying.
Gordon is one of those who found this out the hard way. He had been married to an angel, Esther, for one and a half years. The young woman had all the biblical virtues, from submission to perseverance and diligence. She had been job-hunting for two years, but even this she bore with a positive outlook.
All was well until the day Gordon forgot a document in the house, and returned unannounced in the mid-morning hours. The door was locked, and he let himself in, figuring that Esther had gone ‘tarmacking’. But on getting to the bedroom, he found his wife in bed, with her best friend, a woman.
“The sight was dreadful, shocking and unimaginable!” he recalls. “This friend of hers was a frequent visitor to our house, and it was too disgusting to even contemplate what they had been up to behind my back, and in my home at that.
“Divorce was the only way out, but I couldn’t take the matter to court, or even before elders, because it would have been more embarrassing for me than for Esther, so I rented another house for her.”
Unfortunately, Gordon’s is not an isolated case. Paula also got the shock of her life when she caught the man she was meant to marry in a week’s time ‘in the act’ with their best-man-to-be.
These two had been sweethearts for two years, having met at the university, where they were both Christian Union leaders. When Jim proposed marriage, Paula was the envy of many because he was known to be a good man both in college and in the village.
A week to the wedding, Paula who already had a key to Jim’s house decided to pass by his house to ensure everything was alright. The previous day, he had said he was going to see his parents regarding the wedding preparations.
But on opening the door, she was thunder struck when she saw the two men, in various states of undress, on the sofa. Trembling in shock, Paula took the next bus to Busia and disappeared to Uganda, where she stayed with her relative.
When she returned to Nairobi two years later, Jim was still waiting for her, claiming he was going through therapy to overcome his ‘addictions’. It did not take him long to convince her that he was willing to change and that she should be more patient with him.
“I have given him another chance, hoping that the behaviour will not recur,” says Paula.
Some people might doubt the sanity of a person willing to condone that kind of betrayal, but, as they say, ‘love conquers all’. Others might even excuse it as young and naïve love, but it turns out that old couples, too, have their stories to tell.

COMPROMISING

Margaret, who has been married for 21 years, found nothing wrong with her teenage daughter being very close to her father. The two would often have long chats, go out for coffee and even volunteer to do the family’s weekly shopping together. Margaret often bragged about how her 19-year-old was a daddy’s girl.
A call from a friend saying that she had seen father and daughter in a comprising position in a certain hotel was received with rebukes, as Margaret defended her family.
But then came the day she wishes she could forget: She came home from work early because her husband was on sick off, only to find him doing the unthinkable with their daughter.
The girl saw her first and retorted, “Why are you surprised, Mum? I thought you knew!”
Though it was a mortifying blow, Margaret did not want to embarrass her family by speaking about it.
“I considered the humiliation that the other members of the family would go through and decided to keep silent. My husband took the blame, vindicating the girl and disarming me in the process,” she shares.
She is not alone in shielding her wayward spouse. Jane met her husband, Steve, 12 years ago; he was a charismatic preacher and also a counsellor at a rehabilitation centre. Who could doubt his integrity? More people than she could have expected, it turns out.
In the course of their ten-year marriage, he has lost a job with an insurance firm for stealing from the company. Steve has also run down several family businesses, including a cyber café, a horticultural firm and an electronics shop, and auctioneers have visited the family thrice after he diverted the rent money.
Where has he been taking the cash? The so-called evangelist has a drinking problem, and on some occasions, he extends the merrymaking to the lodging section of the pub, accompanied by a barmaid or two.
Jane only learnt of this side of Steve the night he came home badly beaten up, and minus his wallet, shoes and laptop. He claimed to have been mugged, but the story of his being roughed up by bouncers over unpaid bar bills was spreading like bushfire all over the neighbourhood.
To avoid embarrassment, Jane settled the bills, but they turned out to be but the start of a bumpy journey. They have even moved to a different town, in the hope that Steve will change when he is in a different environment, but to no avail.
For better or worse, right?
Nancy met her soft-spoken husband while he was studying Law. He appeared to be a good catch, but that was because she did not know that he suffered from paranoia. When they were dating, he was constantly checking on her, asking where she was and what she was doing, but Nancy thought he was being romantic.
Once they got married, he would accuse her of all manner of indiscretions, and then beat her up, only to cry remorsefully in the morning. She was a regular at the local hospital, but Nancy believed in true love, so she kept forgiving her husband, despite advice from doctors and friends.
When she could finally take no more, she gathered the courage to leave. And he committed suicide a few years later, a lonely man because not even his relatives would dare live with him. A tragic end to happily never after.

LOVE WITH EYES WIDE OPEN
Sometimes, love makes people blind so that they do not even see the signals of a relationship that is doomed. Marriage experts say that this blindness, or even naivety, has led to many heartbreaks and shattered homes. Eunice Olawo, a couple counsellor from Moir Counseling Agency, gives tips on signs to watch out for before saying “I do”.
• If your partner tells you two serious lies during your courtship, there is cause for concern.
• If you see your spouse comes with a lot of hard cash almost daily, you have the right to ask questions.
• While probing and policing a spouse is wrong, it is healthy to enquire from friends, relatives and colleagues about the person you are intending to marry.
• The family that your spouse comes from is something important to consider, because you are going to be part and parcel of them.
• It is important to disclose your past, bit by bit, to your spouse, considering the value that disclosure will add to your relationship.
• Should you discover anything that will be detrimental to your intended marriage, it is better to break off the engagement than to weep when you are already wed.
• Find out your spouse’s health history so that you can get into the marriage knowing what to expect.