Lame atempt to erase the "good for nothing"tag

By Mark Mutahi

I have been told I can't tell the difference between giving back to society and turning my back on society. It must be the dexyslia, I mean dyslexia! This usually gets more pronounced whenever I travel upcountry and am reminded that I have never done anything for my fellow villagers.

Yet the village takes credit for everything that I am today - it’s where I learnt to brawl and consequently these days I will not hesitate to pick a fight in night clubs, especially with people of smaller size than me. And the experience gained pushing and shoving for the milk availed under the school feeding programme does come in handy when jostling for matatus.

The other day however I got an opportunity to assuage my guilt when a KCSE results slip was thrust into my hands by North Star, the village cobbler. No, he is not North Star because he is an astronomy hobbyist; it’s because he still wears a highly-patched pair of that famous shoe brand of yesteryears.

"See how my son has performed!" North Star said excitedly. The first thought that came to my mind was that it was some sort of mischief considering that I had performed so poorly in my national exams that my alma mater was almost shut down by the ministry of education arguing that it was a waste of both taxpayers’ and tax evaders’ money

But when North Star went on to add, "Am sure with all the friends you have made in high places you can get him something to do ... " I was relieved.

"Of course I know a lot of ‘big’ people," I said jumping at the chance. At that moment I did not allow reality to prevail over the desperate desire to impress. Thankfully I didn’t have to look far and wide. Just a few days ago I had received a curious unsolicited SMS from a number I didn’t quite recognise. The message had read; ‘Hi Uncle, Kenya Wildlife Services recruitment is on and our Director has given me 5 chances. Sms Kevine & Peris details & get other 3 from home area. Call me through this no 07024202869.’

Though the SMS had obviously been wrongly sent to me (the few times I have been addressed as uncle, it’s by street children) it hit me that if I called this seemingly influential person they might just offer me one of those places. But when I called the guy on the other end hesitated saying it was very competitive and there were a lot of people who were all interested in the positions.

"How much?" I pressed with the full knowledge that there is nothing like free lunch. It worked proving that he was actually Kenyan. When he mentioned the amount, I knew it was something North Star could raise. With an agreement reached, I knew that, courteasy of me, North Star junior was now well on his way to becoming a game ranger and help keep the wildlife inside the parks where homo sapiens can then occasionally visit to be watched by the animals.