We fought but fell in love with the British

By Ted Malanda

Some elders are spoken of with awe because they are extremely set in their ways. Often, these are either World War Two veterans or men who served in the pre- and post-independence military and civil service.

It’s easy to recognise them. They are always smartly dressed even if their shoes and clothing have seen better times. They favour walking sticks and hats. If they own bicycles, an old pure-leather briefcase, usually brown in colour, is always strung between the seat and the handlebars.

Their walk is straight and upright, their manner of speech precise, like a lawyer’s. They also go to great lengths to demonstrate that they are averse to nonsense.

They are so solid that their mere presence can stop a village riot. Their homes are spotless and organised, their hedges trimmed and their sons always wed and pay dowry. They keep time, their word is law and they clinch deals with a firm handshake. When the common man speaks of them, it’s with reverence, bemused laughter and the words, "Nomubritishi!" — that one’s British, as we say in my village. Such old men never refer to Kenya, Kenyatta Avenue or Lake Turkana but Kinya, Government Road and Lake Rudolf. They speak with nostalgia about how orderly things were in their time, how systems worked efficiently and how children were taught proper "arithmetic".

Foreign twang

And yet these are the same fellows who loathed the British with a passion.

First forward to 2010 and what do you hear at a wedding in Kiambu? "Werocamu! Eeh! Siti downi!" You might expect the people singing and swaying to this patently ‘British’ song to be old, Nyakinyua dancers but, they will be young, pretty women in high heels who speak with a foreign twang.

These are the lasses who hold beer glasses daintily, like the British ladies of old. And when their men turn to another, they ask, "How is the madam?" Which madam?

Afterwards, the fellow belches and ambles over to a smelly urinal with the words ‘gents’ painted on the door. Ever the true ‘gentlemen’, he irrigates the whole floor, blows his nose, spits thrice and flings a cigarette end into the urinal. And then exits with mobile phone on one ear and a toothpick in his mouth as his free hand fumbles with the zipper.

Shady couple

He rejoins his friends and finds them in an animated discussion about one of their colleagues. "Gosh, that couple is so shady. Imagine the man has a masters but he can’t even speak proper English," one sneers, wine glass daintily in hand.

When the ‘shady’ couple joins them, all the men shake hands and dutifully call her madam with all due respect. But they remain firmly seated as she fumbles around looking for a seat.

Yes, all is not lost. They will call her madam, but these fake Brits would never give up seats for a woman!