Shoplifters threaten supermarkets with dire consequences over empty shelves

Following news that some supermarket stores are sporting empty shelves, shoplifters in the country have warned of dire consequences if the problem persists.

Claiming that it is a conspiracy by retailers to deny them a source of livelihood, the shoplifters sent a strong warning to the senior executives and owners of the stores, saying they would not take it lying down.

“They want to put us out of business... but let them be warned... we know of their evil plans and we will not rest until victory is in our hands,” vowed a spokesperson for the shoplifters speaking at a press conference.

The shoplifters then issued a 14-day notice for the executives and owners to put their houses in order so that the shoplifters can continue fending for their families with dignity.

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“Think about us before you decide to mismanage things... put yourself in our shoes... well, only when we haven’t stashed something in there from your shelves!” urged the shoplifters’ spokesperson.

The shoplifters, through their spokesperson, also pointed out that their time was precious and should not be wasted: “It’s very disappointing to walk a long distance to ‘work’ only to find empty shelves... I ought to be compensated for a wasted workday.”

Besides the privately-owned chain of supermarkets, the shoplifters also lashed out at the corruption in the only retailer that is partially government-owned. They were especially critical of the retailer’s decision to shut down some branches.

“I used to have an outlet near me... now I have to walk for longer in order to get to the only other supermarket which is quite some distance away... this is not fair, it is a lot of work having to carry all those things I have shoplifted back to my house over such a long distance!” added the spokesperson.

The spokesperson went on to suggest that the people behind the looting of the retailers should be arrested and forced to kneel outside the entrance of supermarkets with placards hanging around their necks bearing the words, “I AM A THIEF”.

Befriending a socialite

“That is what happens to us when we are caught shoplifting and the same should be done to those who are denying shoplifters a living,” the spokesperson added.

Besides the struggling retailers, the shoplifters are also increasingly getting worried about the proliferation of online shopping sites.
“The government should stop this online shopping thing... without brick and mortar stores, we cannot shoplift... and given that it is a steadily growing area, we might one day have nowhere to shoplift from... or the physical stores that will remain will not be enough for all of us since our numbers are also growing steadily as ours is becoming an attractive source of employment!” said the shoplifter’s spokesperson.

Amidst the anxiety over their future, some have already identified alternative opportunities. Given that most of them are adept at hiding stuff in the most private of places, some are considering changing jobs to drug trafficking since it’s the same skills anyway. All they need are the appropriate leads.

“I have no idea who can introduce me to a drug baron... obviously putting up my CV on an online jobs website might not work... do you think befriending a socialite or one of our politicians might be the breakthrough I need?” wondered one shoplifter.

This is the first time shoplifters are facing a crisis of this magnitude. Previously their biggest problem was visitors to their houses declining food or drink items probably over little worries such as which body part the particular food or drink item might have been hidden in, or between, in the process of smuggling it out of a store.