Candidates who can't read, write request results to be announced in vernacular

Interestingly, the thinking is the same at the Education Ministry. Officials at the ministry are said to be warming up to the idea of hiring vernacular translators during the release of national examination results for the benefit of the thousands of graduates who leave school illiterate and innumerate, some of whom are now parents.

“We have to change with the times. The standards of teaching and learning have gone to the dogs, and we might have to hire translators for each of the country’s vernacular languages next time we are releasing exam results!” said an official at the Education Ministry who spoke on condition of anonymity.

Vernacular translators

And as a testament to how it rates the kind of graduates being produced under its watch and curriculum, an insider at the Ministry of Education has disclosed that if they have to hire English-to-vernacular translators, they will only pick those who passed through the previous system of education, the 7-4-2-3 and not 8-4-4 graduates.

Also to be considered are those who have passed through foreign systems of education such as the children of rich Kenyans and senior government officials.

“What? Don’t look at me like that... I know a lot of chefs who wouldn’t eat at the restaurants and hotels they work in!” chimed the official, when some journalists began rolling eyes in shock at the press conference.

And in related news, it has also emerged that the examination markers of the English and Swahili composition papers had a difficult time when marking. A little bird reports that there were several suicide attempts as well as abnormally high drinking rates among markers.

“I can tell you the exam markers were a very stressed lot because a lot of the papers they were marking looked like they had been written in an alien language. These guys were always drinking because of the frustrations of marking compositions and essays in languages they couldn’t understand.”

Education sector

“We don’t expect them to apply for the same positions again and now we don’t know anyone who would be interested in such a job, however high the pay. We might have to outsource to China or India!” disclosed one exam marking centre supervisor.

It is said that some of the affected exam markers are still in recuperation attending counseling and therapy for their PMSD condition — Post Marking Stress Disorder.

Others who found the situation worrying were the mobile phone service providers who admitted they received a lot of incorrigible messages querying the results.

“There was a lot of confusion... some ended up sending their birth dates, lucky numbers, house numbers and so on to the premium short codes instead of index numbers... they ended up getting dates and football betting instead,” one executive at a leading telecom is quoted as saying.

This is just a tip of the iceberg, as they say, we are yet to see the worst from the education sector.