Umepotelea wapi? Ten silly questions Kenyans like to ask

Kenyans are sneaky. They have mastered the art of speaking without saying anything, and the finer art of obtaining information through seemingly innocent questions. A conversation with a Kenyan is like an elaborate game of chess, one which would completely baffle a foreigner if they were to listen in. But it is also a treasure trove of hidden meaning, jokes and subtle insults.

1.Hapa unalipa rent how much?

Kenyans don't like to throw compliments around. They would hate to actively appear to be impressed, which is why they hide their true feelings behind faux-negative comments like 'Haukai vibaya' or 'Umejaribu'. When a Kenyan visits you for the first time and one of the first things they ask is how much rent you pay, they are trying to determine just how impressed they should be. Sh30,000 for this shack? Sh15,000 for a bedsitter? And then they will shake their heads in disbelief.

2. Nyumbani ni wapi?

Tribalism is dead, they say. We are a mature generation, not like our parents who looked someone in the eyes seconds after meeting them and asked what their tribe was. No, people these days are much more tolerant. Not that they won't try and place you as soon as you meet them; they're just more strategic. They will ask what your favourite meal is, for example, or whether your vote counted in the election.

3. Will you spend?

Kenyans were all taught English by the same chubby, perpetually pregnant woman. So they all ignore grammatical rules 'the way they want'. If a Kenyan asks you "Will you spend?", the rest of the question is implied. Nobody has time to say the whole thing. The important thing is that your lady friend is hinting, by way of an innocent question, if you will help her combat the cold at night.

4. Umepotelea wapi?

Kenyan greetings are very robust and enthusiastic. There is much hand wringing and verbal jousting, usually punctuated by accusations of "Umepotea!" and "Kwani you're in this Nairobi?" The best response is usually denial (Mimi niko!) or returning to sender (Ni wewe umepotea boss!).

5. Si we'll talk?

Similarly, it takes about two or five minutes for Kenyans to say goodbye, even after definitively concluding the conversation. It is not until someone says 'Haiya', checks their phone or watches as if they have somewhere to be, or taps their breast pocket in a manner indicating they are in a rush. Even then, there is a flurry of meaningless words exchanged: "Fiti" "Si sawa basi?" "Ayt, bruh" and the classic "Si tutagongana?" Neither of those people is going to 'look for the other'.

6. Sasa umejam?

This will be uttered by a person who has done you wrong and knows they've done you wrong. More often than not, it will be your domestic running mate, crawling back after the friends she reported you confirmed to her that she was the one on the wrong. "Sasa umejam" is a descendant of the "Mbona huniongeleshi?" When you hear any of those questions from someone, especially a lady, accept the unspoken apology.

7. You tried calling me?

A Kenyan will stare idly at their phone as it rings, wait two minutes and then text you, "You called me?" If it is a new number, they will wait for Truecaller to report the person calling, then send them a message promising to call them back. These are the same Kenyans who will hang up a phone call with the promise that they will call you back, only for them to go back to their lives like nothing happened.

8. Bei ya mwisho?

We are very good at haggling over things that are cheap. Kenyans have made thrift shopping an art. It is a language of its own; even the traders know the quoted price is never the final one. So when they hear "Bei ni ya mwisho?", they counter with "Ni ya kuongea." And then the back-and-forth begins. If one of the parties is not making big enough strides, the buyer will threaten to walk away.

9. Uko na stima?

Everyone knows the games our electricity providers like to play. Kenyans are experts at figuring out when power has been rationed, when the KPLC has stepped on the wire accidentally, or when a transformer has blown, and when the landlord is abusing his power. In the rare event, they are unsure, however, Kenyans will slide a curtain aside to confirm if the neighbour is also in the dark. If they are still unconvinced, they will just call and ask. "Kuna stima kwako?"

10. Can I call at night?

Subtlety is another gift bestowed upon women born on our soil. They will not ask you who you're setting them up to compete against. They will not even check out your ring finger, because the eagle long learned to fly without perching. Instead, they will construct a set of seemingly innocuous questions to gauge the relationship status. "Can I call you at night?" "Hauchelewi kurudi home?" and of course, "Sitaki kuchomwa na maji moto."