What happens when she makes the first move?

What happens when she makes the first move? (Photo: iStock)

For some, it’s thrilling; for others, disarming. Whether through a playful pick-up line, a confident approach, or a casual gesture of interest, women are challenging the traditional rules of courtship, often leaving men unsure of how to respond.

Cardiac Poet vividly recalls an encounter in a matatu. He was seated in the front seat when a woman dressed in denim asked for help buttoning her sleeves. He obliged, and what followed was an unexpectedly bold move from her.

“She used a pick-up line and asked me whether I believe in love at first sight or if she should look at me again. She even asked whether it would be a bad idea to follow me home,” he narrates.

Cardiac Poet let the encounter unfold naturally. To reward her confidence, he took a boda boda and dropped her off on his way home. They have not met since, though they speak occasionally.

“I was given the bait, and I am the one who decides whether to continue or not. I was born a lion; I don’t like being prey. There is a zeal in the chase. I want to enjoy the process,” he says.

Although Cardiac Poet enjoys the thrill of the chase, he acknowledges that times have changed and many women now feel bold enough to pursue what they want romantically.

“If a woman wants to approach me, she should not be too direct, or I will question her motives. She should drop hints, and the man will catch on,” he says.

Mercy Orengo describes herself as old-fashioned and firmly believes that a man should make the first move. As a result, she has never initiated one herself.

Her method relies not on bold declarations but on subtle observation and attentiveness. She places herself in spaces where he is likely to be, though not in a way that feels intrusive.

“Sometimes it helps to be friends with his peers, but I would not pursue him intensely. My gestures and body language would show interest. I would smile more, listen carefully when he speaks, engage him, ask questions, and remember the things he has mentioned,” she says.

If he loves football, Mercy says she would remember his team and ask how they performed in their last match. If he enjoys food, she would ask about restaurants he has visited. She might also invite him to share experiences with her. Social media, she notes, has made it easier to build connections by exchanging memes and interesting content online.

“If a woman is interested, she should not create unnecessary barriers by playing hard to get. There are so many games in the dating world, where women feel they must be complicated and play mind games to gain a man’s attention. Still, I believe men should always make the first move,” she says.

Omondi Powel offers another perspective, recalling a time when a woman boldly initiated contact. Two years ago, he posted a photo on his WhatsApp status, and she commented that she liked his beard and the gap between his teeth. Initially, he found it strange, as he had never experienced anything like that before.

Shocked, he ghosted her for a while. She later invited him to parties, but he was busy and uninterested.

He says that society has changed and women are increasingly empowered. The belief that men should be the only ones to initiate romance, he says, is fading.

“I no longer find it strange when a woman makes the first move. If a woman approached me now, I would feel as though I had approached her too. I would not let her carry all the effort in the relationship,” Omondi says.

Joshua Nzioki agrees that society still reacts with surprise when a woman makes the first move. He believes it is seen as bold and unexpected. When it happens, some men assume it is a trap or suspect hidden motives, depending on their experiences.

“Women fear that if they make the first move, they may be mistreated, manipulated, disrespected, or used. That is why many hesitate,” Joshua explains.

Dr Kiemo Karatu, a sociologist, notes that historically the world has been patriarchal, and relationships have traditionally been initiated by men. Men have long been seen as pursuers and women as followers, creating a deeply rooted cultural expectation.

However, he adds that education and exposure have given women a renewed sense of agency. “We now have liberated women who see nothing wrong with initiating a relationship. Traditionally, she could not, but in the modern world, a woman can ask for one,” he says.

He argues that, culturally, a woman agrees to a man rather than the other way round. Society has also become more liberal, to the extent that a woman may openly express her desire for children with a man, even if others disapprove.

He cites Kikuyu culture, where traditionally a married woman could seek another man if a curse befell the children she had with her husband.

“We do not openly discuss intimacy in such instances, but culturally, the woman had power,” Dr Kiemo explains.

He highlights the role of media and social change in normalising women’s initiative in romance. Television, social media, and education have all contributed to reshaping perceptions. In the past, a man might have labelled a woman who pursued him as promiscuous. Today, that assumption is increasingly outdated.

Nowadays, he says, if a woman is interested, she may pursue it directly, saying, “I want you” or more subtly, by creating space for friendship.

“A woman’s first move can simply be making herself available for a relationship. When a woman listens attentively, that is a move. A woman who is not interested will not invest her attention. Being receptive and responsible is already a step,” he says.

Dr Kiemo challenges the enduring belief that women are passive in courtship. “It is cultural to view women as non-pursuers, but that is mistaken. Biologically, women are wired to make themselves available,” he says.