Can a man say no? Men and their right to consent

Can a man say no? Men and their right to consent (Photo: iStock)

When discussing consent, the right of men to it has often been overlooked. According to consultant psychologist James Bosse, the reason for this is that society is patriarchal and demands that men suppress vulnerability and emotional expression. This, he says, makes men their own worst enemies, unable to communicate sexual discomfort.

He explains that society equates male arousal with consent, meaning men who speak out about unwanted sexual experiences are not taken seriously because society insists men are always ready.

“A man could be aroused, but that does not mean that he consents to physical connection. When men are socialised to always want sex, they disconnect their emotions and bodily signals,” he says.

In the long term, he says, they will suppress their authentic self-awareness and merely perform desire, functioning mechanically. This assumption erases men’s agency over their bodies and turns intimacy into an obligation. When consent is expected, men have sex to protect their egos.

“Men may say yes, not because they want to, but to protect their masculinity. This is why many men find it difficult to refuse intimacy even when they feel uncomfortable,” he says.

James says sexual pressure on men goes unrecognised because it does not always look like force. They usually express non-consent non-verbally through walking away, lack of arousal, withdrawal or changing mood. If they choose to go ahead with the act, a sign of unacknowledged boundary violations is erectile difficulty, either from the partner or past experiences.

“Partners who know each other well can identify these signs. Partners can develop their language of consent and be attentive to adhere to it,” he says.

He expounds that the dismissal or laughter in response to a man’s refusal can create shame and resentment, as it would violate his personal boundaries. The fear of being ridiculed for not finishing or failing to perform can cause a shutdown. Triggers such as a partner calling someone else’s name during intimacy can also cause disinterest.

James says that, in long-term relationships and marriages, consent is generally expected since intimacy is considered a marital duty. This is reflected in the seriousness with which the denial of conjugal rights is regarded in law. However, he adds that more men are starting to say no.

To affirm men’s consent, he suggests distinguishing love from sexual compliance. This involves avoiding mockery and recognising that they are allowed not be in the mood. Respecting their consent builds trust and intimacy.