Could his sensitive nature and male friends mean he's gay?

Could his sensitive nature and male friends mean he's gay? (Photo: iStock)

Hi Chris,

I'd always known that my husband was very sensitive and I really liked that. But then I realised that all his male friends are too, and suddenly wondered whether he might be gay! Is that even possible? What should I do?

Gay Husband

Chris says,

Hi Gay Husband!

The vast majority of gay men are actually bisexual and very good at forming relationships with women. So it's surprisingly common for a woman to discover that her husband's gay.

Many people find that idea simply incredible, but it's harder to figure out whether a man's gay than most people realise. Because they vary a lot and can be great partners.

Your intuition probably first made you wonder, though you need to see a whole pattern of behaviours to confirm your suspicions.

Typically, gay men do feel 'different' to other men. They're sensitive and better listeners. Straight men are usually pretty laid back about their appearance, while gay men tend to be fastidious, though there are also plenty who are total slobs!

He'll probably have gay friends, or male friends that you never seem to get to know. A really strong indication is an interest in gay porn.

If your suspicions seem to be confirmed, how should you react?

Cautiously to begin with. You've got nothing to lose by talking to your husband about your suspicions. Encourage him to be truthful by giving him the impression that it doesn't bother you at all, one way or the other.

It's also worthwhile talking to a professional, because a good counsellor will help you work through your probably very powerful feelings. You will find that there are a lot of issues to discuss.

You'll probably have all sorts of self-doubts and worries. Aware you've been lied to by someone you've chosen to spend your life with. You'll be endlessly worried and confused. Like, should you tell your children? So one way or another, finding out that your husband is gay is going to be a difficult and life-changing experience.

And you'll need help to cope with it.

All the best,

Chris