Dilemma: I'm dating 2 women, I'm confused on who to marry, please help

The 45-year-old man has a dilemma on who to marry between two women. [File, Standard]

On Wednesday, April 5, a 45-year-old man from Nairobi, who is a widower, wrote to The Standard seeking advice on who to marry between the two women in his life.

One of the women is older (36 years) and more straitjacketed than the other (27 years).

According to the widower, both women have their pros and cons.

Below is his relationship dilemma that we posted on Standard Digital Facebook page.

“Hello Standard,

“My name is Jacob.

“I am 45 years old, a father of three who lives and works in Nairobi.

“I am planning to settle down after three years of being a widower. I feel I am ready to enter into a new marriage.

“I have two women who I am actively seeing. One is 36 years old, and a mother of two, while the other is 27 years old. The elder one is well-educated, a good financial planner and has a well-paying job.

“The younger one is fun to be with, is quite street-smart, and is yet to have a child.

“I feel the elder one will make a better wife, but she is quite rigid. I am also not ready to be in a blended family. The younger one, who I like more, is however too spontaneous and snappy. I fear she might leave the union along the way. I’m honestly unsettled on who to marry between the two. What should I do?”

Kenyans’ advices

The Standard sampled advices given by users on the Facebook comments section. Below are some of them:

Martha Ikiara said: “If you marry a woman who is almost two decades younger than you, your respective lives will be different. The woman has a lot of growing to do, both mentally and emotionally. She might find you to be boring, and seek out her male peers for companionship.”

John Kyalo said: “Have you talked to any of them about marriage? If you haven’t, then let them know you will be coming into the union with children. The one who will be comfortable with looking after your children would make a better spouse.”

Princess Lempiris said: “If your children are grownups, then you can opt for the 27-year-old woman. If the children are minors, I would advise you stay single. You might have reservations looking after the children sired by another man.”

Yafesi Amwayi said: “A conservative woman makes a good wife. A spontaneous woman makes a good girlfriend. The decision is yours [to make].”

Marie Kesh said: “Since you already know the person you like more, what do you want us to say? [The] decision is yours [to make], but think twice [before you settle on either of them].”

Banice Kendi said: “Whenever you have more than one option at a given time, then know that none of the options is the best for you. Restructure your life, Jacob.”

Boni Cage said: “Should you make a decision, then chances are high you would lose both of them eventually. Nonetheless, tackle the issue head-on and choose whoever you deem fit. It would have been better if you were only seeing one woman though.”

Jaber Machon said: “I would advise that you remain a widower and raise your children. The minors are way safer being in your sole custody.”

Mercy Waeceke said: “You have said you don’t want a blended family. Then it leaves you with only one option – the younger woman. Should you marry the 27-year-old woman, then there are chances that your marriage will be full of drama due to the age difference.”

Linda Sagide said: “Maybe a completely different woman would make the perfect wife for you. Clearly, from your post, none of the two women you have mentioned has the qualities that you desire.”

Expert’s advice

The Standard reached Dr. Leonard Njiru, a Nairobi-based psychologist, to advise Jacob.

Njiru urged Jacob to place his children’s welfare at the centre of his decision.

“As a widower, he should bear in mind the impact of a new partner on his children’s lives. In as much as it is important for him to have a spouse, it is equally important for the children to have a mother figure in their lives,” said Dr. Njiru.

“If the children are old enough to understand situations, then I would advise Jacob to sit them down and enquire whether they are comfortable with having a step-mother.

“Before he makes any decision, I would also advise him to seek his relatives’ opinion. It is always okay for one to explore his or her options and make a well-reasoned decision, especially on who to settle down with. If making that decision proves difficult, then one can seek the opinion of a trusted person such as a sibling, aunt, priest or relationship counsellor. They (third parties) would help one to structure his or her thoughts, feelings and emotions. They might see things differently from you and help you do the right thing.”