Relationship Dilemma: I met a divorcee after engagement, what should I do?

Stella seeks advice on whether to leave her fiancee for a man he met a month after their engagement. [Courtesy]

Our social lives and relationships are faced with a number of challenges; especially when a major decision is supposed to be made.

On Wednesday, November 17, we published, on our Facebook page – Standard Digital – a relationship dilemma by a woman who met a new man, whom she feels more comfortable with, a month after her engagement.

Hi-Standard,
 

My name is Stella.
I’m confused on what to do. I’m supposed to be exchanging wedding vows with my fiancé in mid-December. We have dated for five years, and he proposed in September this year. He is a good man but has a dull personality. In October, I met this lively, irresistible and wealthy 54-year-old man while on a work trip in Malindi. He is a divorcee and a father of four. I am 28 years old.
The new man, whom I’d admit to meeting a few times after I returned to Nairobi from the work trip, wants to marry me, saying I have the intellect, personality and beauty that he’s looking for in a wife.
I’m confused on whether to accept his proposal or go ahead and marry my fiancé next month. Help me.

What Kenyans think

Kenyans who came across last week’s relationship Dilemma on our official Facebook page had the following opinions.

Washinton Oloo: Go for wealth if it is what will make you happy life is very short and how you live it is your decision dear

Kevin Lusame: Stop playing with explosive unknowns. Make the dull husband cheerful. Teach him, go out often, learn to live with the little imperfections perfectly. This angel you don't know is unknown. Exchange vows as planned. I don’t want you to show your face here after that temptation saying that "I've realised the man I met recently is not what I expected. By that time your so-called dull husband would have gotten his dull type and they could be headed to the moon. You will be talking about killing somebody to secure your past relationship. Think with your head. The grass is always green on the other side, but when you go there you realise yours was greener.

Irene Cheb:  There is a reason he is divorced. Please marry your fiancé and you will never regret it. At 54 the guy has started taking Viagra. You're doomed if you choose him. He must be lying to and has several women out there. Be smart!

Kimani SK: Just Marry the Methuselah. He is the one you want. Maybe the young man that proposed has nothing, that is why you are saying he is dull. He became dull after you met the elder.

Dorcas Jepkorir:  When you will be 36, his machine will not match your fire. You will look for your current fiancé and start cheating. Then you will break his relationship, be boring to your husband, and much more. Do you want to be responsible for all that evil?

Veronikah Kambu: Why heartbreak this young man really because of money?? Don't you think your fiancé will also be lovely, wealthy and irresistible by the time he is 54?? Why heartbreak him?? Relationships nowadays cheiiii. Nothing makes sense these days... Girl whatever you do consider what you've built with that young man for those five years... And what you will be driving him to... maybe - Depression, he might never trust women again, he might never love again because of the betrayal.  I hate these topics.

Kevo Mwangale: After marrying the elder, you will be still chasing us, young men. The Narrative will be the elder is not good in bed. Marry your fiancée and stop being greedy.

David Chege Richman: You don't love your husband to be you love that guy because he has wealth you are confused woman cancel the wedding and let that man go instead of double-dealing before wedding vows.

Ogolla Lindah:  So for the past 5years you never knew that guy has a dull personality. Kindly send me his number coz I also have a dull personality.

Brian K Kirwa:  You can marry the guy and date the old man. No school will teach you this

 

Expert’s opinion

Dr Karatu Kiemo is a sociologist and lecturer at the University of Nairobi.

Hello Stella,

Marriage is, in our cultural context, voluntary and based on romantic love. We marry those we love and want. As such, search and follow your thoughts and feelings. Dating for five years is a long while. The long period makes lovers go past the honeymoon period of their relationship characterized by personality masking. As they say, the more you peel the layers of an onion, the more it causes your tears. It's possible that five years later your thoughts and feelings about the new man will have changed. To a large extent, marriage is not about convenience but a deliberate effort to understand and/or tolerate the one you choose to live with. While love is a personal matter, you should be prepared to handle the baggage of age difference, four step-children and their mother. I hope that you are not flattered by your new man's flattering. I suppose you have heard those appraisals before and be sure to hear them after marriage, if and when that happens. It is so important for you to do a self-assessment to establish whether your love dilemma is because of the dullness of the former guy, or the flattering of the latter guy, or both. Now that your intended marriage is so close, you should quickly calculate the gains and losses of the decision you make. If you cannot, toss a coin. Either way, it will not be the end of the world for the three of you. But we wish you heavenly pleasure.