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The nine lives of Pulse

By - | December 14th 2012 at 00:00:00 GMT +0300

Tony Mochama takes you down memory lane, highlighting some of the great moments the Pulse team has experienced since 2003.

Cats, they say, have nine lives.

Pulse says, “Get a life,” and if life ends when one’s Pulse stops, then there’s no stopping the life of Pulse as this rag enters its ninth birthday in the showbiz and entertainment arena.

The first life of Pulse began in a war zone when the first editor of this paper Wayua Muli, now a newly-minted mom nine years down the line, send this edict: “To celebrate our first anniversary, let’s make fun of ourselves, people. Let’s show those unlucky celebs we keep ‘catching out’, that we make the same bloopers (mistakes) as they do.”

And with that, our then paparazzi photographers Thomas Omondi and the Argentine Justo Casal were on the Pulse crew’s case, catching us out on the party scene, with disastrous consequences.

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Naliaka was caught out with a purple thong peeping out over her blue jeans. Charles ‘CEO’ Otieno was caught with a hole in his sweater under the caption ‘wacha mapacha zipate ma-hewa!’ Smitta was caught with a coat he brought from Russia — that looked like a chessboard. Caroline ‘Paj’ Wahome was caught out with sweat patches on her blouse sustained after frenzied dancing. Fashionista Wairimo Githuka was caught out being sat on by Victor Seii (in reflection, that last act may have sustained a charge of ‘attempted murder’ against Seii).

All these pics were published in our first Pulse anniversary issue with the grim caveat: ‘Look once, all ye Pulsers, then dispose of this page immediately by forever holding it — and tearing it into pieces!’

In 2005, our then editor Ciku Muiruri  forgot it was our second anniversary, and laughed:

“Every Friday is a damn party for you all! Why don’t we commemorate our second anniversary by not having a party...?”

2006 — On our third anniversary party, Pulse decided to give some ‘Pulse Awards’ (only worth the paper they were written on), and so — Abbas of K-South, as he was then, got best lyricist of the year (and has gone on to do unforgettable songs like Tokelezea).

Yols, C’zars and Prezzo

The naughty girls of the year, for acting up like lipstick Lesbos, were Nini Wacera, Valentine Njoroge, Laura Walubengo, Serah Mwihaki and then KTN diss-bunnies Myra, and Yols Mulwa. The late King Kong was given the ‘Most Ambitious Celeb’ Big Mac award for plotting to be president by 2045. This year, that award would have to go to the kooky Kingwa Kamenchu, fresh from Oxford.

Kaz was the drama queen of the year with her naked pics and beef with Didge. The flosser of the year was CMB Prezzo. Bob Kioko pulled off the secret wedding of the year to some mzungu lady. The primma Donna of that year was footballer Dennis Oliech with ‘baby mama’ drama involving Meg C and a Beatrice Wanjiku. A boy called C’zars won our make-belief ‘Houdini award’ for pulling a disappearing act on celeb world (only to be seen months later with mapoko wa Easich, after CNN tracked him down).

Peter Okongo of Kenyanna was shot dead by a cop in Eastlando. Scandalous gospel artistes of that year were DNG whom Pulse busted locking lips with lasses and on Pilsner; and Ringtone whom half-brother Rufftone accused of stealing a buddy’s gal, and his colour TV (DnG has since gone on into great secular success, and is Pulse’s friend — and the Tone brothers made up in the spirit of Christmas).

The ‘No Hit Wonder of the Year’ award went to the terrible trio of Alpha, Deepac Braxx and Tiny Army. And Thugs of the year Award was swept by the Artur Brothers.

2007 anniversary found the Pulse team in the middle of a mad December. Stevo Muendo was on the track of music video maker Taj, the group 112, and Nikki Mwanyigah collaborating with them on her video of Kipofu, as Smitta raised a literary storm with the publication of his book What If I’m a Literary Gangsta. Far-sighted CEO was on electoral peace campaigns with a handful of celebs, and Caroline Nyanga’s hands were full with her latest born, Faith.


Limos and bikini car wash

Sub editor Tony Ngare was getting flak for being too pro-Arsenal (when it was still possible to think of the Goons as going through a temporary bleep, and not being at the start of a looong trophy drought). Shirley Genga was so passionate about films then she said ‘movies are the only reason she gets up in the morning’ (post-script: She has since gotten a life, or something like it).

Then there was a thug paparazzi called Robert Gicheru in the ranks who ran off with the cameras...

2008 anniversary followed hot on the limousine tyre tracks of the trip to Naivasha with Mash autos and hot models for a ‘Bikini Car Wash,’ that raised readers’ temperatures to the max, and got the magazine much street acclaim. But as they say now, after that trip — What happens in Naivegas, stays in Naivegas!

In 2009, the sixth life of Pulse party was held at the Zebra restaurant atCapital Centre on Mombasa Road. It was fabulous — and mpaka che! Today, our new crew hopes to have a similarly great time at Skylux to celebrate our ninth life. You are invited! The party goes on all night with most of our celebrities gracing the occation.

Whatever happened in 2010? Well, Pulse had an entire issue dedicated to the team, starting with writer Matilda Nzioka on the cover, Celeb Crib being Smitta’s digs, CEO on My Style (boss Stevens Muendo was to take that space today but ameruka hio story ) and a team Pin-Up at the back, that is still classic.

Last year, we gave out the ‘Razzie Awards’ to celebrities starting with Avril still in the thongs (err, throes) of her Grandma Union scandal as ‘Mama Safi,’ got on Ian Mbugua’s case as being an over-hyped emcee, Back Fired Baby momma Trap of the year trophy went to Valerie Kimani, Make Over of the Year from ‘shagsmodos’ to ‘city slicker going to Kendi, Wanna-Be of the Year being Mike Sonko (peace, man) and Forever Upcoming Celeb of the Decade Achievement award being won by Tamu Sana singer, Delicious.

We predicted Ray C would end up being the most washed up celeb of 2012 and thanked Bonoko for making ‘bonoko’ the 2011 in-thing of the year.

Stay alive this holiday season, ye folks – the best of Pulse is yet to come.

Ray C Pulse anniversary KTN CMB Prezzo
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